Struggle
by therealslimkaty
Summary: Helga has always told herself that she doesn't need anyone, she's always been tough, stubborn, and secretive. But old feelings start to resurface when Arnold tries to help her in a desperate situation... whether she likes it or not. [Set in High School] [slightly inappropriate sexual situations]
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is my first published fanfiction…ever. Normally I'm a playwright so writing actual descriptions is very different for me. I need practice with it so please, if you have any **_**helpful **_**critiques I'd love to hear them! Flaming will ignored. Hello. Obviously. **

**I've had this idea in my head for years. I'm excited to finally get it out! I hope you enjoy!**

_**TheRealSlimKaty**_

…_.._

"Dr. Bliss?"

Dr. Bliss looked over her shoulder. She was staring out her office window. "Good Morning Helga," she said with a smile. She immediately came up and shook my hand. "My gosh it's been a long time, take a seat." She gestured to her couch. The room hadn't changed much, still a million books on her shelf, still that lame Edward Hopper painting on the wall, blue couch still in place. The room _still_ smelled of god damn sleepy time tea. For a minute I wondered if she ever left her office in the first place. I scanned her up and down. Yep, she had left, she wasn't a complete hermit. She finally ditched the pink cardigan and just went with a white button up shirt. Although I had to say that the pink cotton skirt was a lot, and not in a good way. Jesus Christ listen to me, I'm starting to sound like Rhonda. I made a note to myself to hang out with her a little less.

I sat on the couch and awkwardly looked around. We sat in silence for about a minute. She just looked at me like I was supposed to say something. "Geez lady take a picture why don't ya."

"Why did you call me Helga? Why did you want to meet with me today?"

I gritted my teeth. "I don't know. Why are you asking so many questions?"

"It just seemed to me that you probably needed some help. It has been about six years after all. I actually remember the conversation I had with your father. He was insisting that you were fine and you didn't need to come back."

I shrugged. "Yeah that's Bob for ya." I twiddled my thumbs. I didn't want to ask for help. I hated asking for help! Did we seriously need to just jump into things so quickly? "You should change that Hopper painting." I said trying to change the subject. "His stuff is so boring. If you like him though you should put up _Le Pont de Arts. _It's a little less 'realistic' than the rest of his crap."

She chuckled, "You said that the last time you were here. Still astute as always I see."

Really? I guess I forgot…"Yeah what's your point?"

"I'm hearing your anger has come back."

I turned my head away from her and crossed my arms, "So? I can have anger if I want can't I? It's a free country after all." Who the hell was she to judge me?

"We had made a lot of progress after you had been seeing me for a few years. It seems like you've taken a few steps back since then. You're 17 Helga and it doesn't seem like you've changed that much from the time you were 11. That's a little odd to me."

I glared at her, "Yeah well I guess its hard for some people to change isn't it. You'd better get used to how I am hunny, because I don't change for anyone."

She smiled, "You asked to see _me_ this time. Clearly you need help with something. What would _you_ like to talk about? We have a whole hour."

Damn I forgot how patient this woman was! I sighed and hung my head. You did call her after all Helga, you might as well get this shit off your chest.

"I'm sorry. I have grown up…seriously I have. I just…I don't like asking for help." I looked up at her a little.

She nodded and then sat back in her chair with her clip board, "Why don't we start off slowly. What's been going on these past few years? How's High School been for you? You're a junior now right?"

"Jesus Christ Doc again with the questions?!" She only stared at me with a knowing smile. I sighed again, "Sorry. Sorry."

"Take a breath. Talk when you're ready. "

I breathed deeply. I thought about how much change I've gone through. How much simpler shit was when I first started coming to see her. Sure I had problems back then… parental neglect, barely any friends, my amazingly stalkery crush on Arnold, but now…well now things were a little different. This hour was going to be interesting. I just wasn't sure how to start.

"I don't really know where to begin."

"Tell me about Arnold." she said immediately. I laughed to myself. "Oh god. Really?"

"What's happened with you two? Do you still like him?"

"To be honest Doc, I'm not sure. When high school came around we ended up going to different places. I went to English High and he went to Classical High. Actually…most of us had split up. Pheobe was sent to this private school for gifted Asian kids or something. I forget what it's named. It's up on the east side. But…after Arnold was out of my life, I was sad at first but I felt…weirdly at peace. Like, I didn't have these obsessive crazy thoughts going on anymore. It gave me a chance to calm down I guess. Sometimes I wonder if he knew about how I felt."

"You never told him."

"Nope. I even had a boyfriend when I was fourteen. I still never said anything. The kid didn't mean shit me. I even lost it to him and the whole time I just thought of Arnold."

I went up in my head for a minute after that. Holey moley was that entire relationship a mistake. I mean, Torvald was pretty bad ass I have to say. We had a lot of things in common, we both played paintball, we both listened to _The Cranberries…_but the guy didn't have an intelligent thought in his head!

"He was so dumb. He was in my grade, EIGHTH GRADE at the time and he was seventeen." I scoffed. "Can you believe it? What a moron."

"How did you feel about losing your virginity to him?"

I shrugged and popped my gum. "It hurt a lot, so I yelled at him after. He was all apologetic and crap. But, I couldn't help feeling kinda empty afterwards. I dunno. He tried to make it all romantic and I hate romantic bullshit."

"Unless it comes to Arnold."

I looked up at her. "…right….unless it comes to Arnold." I laughed at myself. "I can't believe myself sometimes. I mean who harbors a crush on someone for almost ten years. It's psychotic! Might as well throw me in the loony bin now doc. I'm as psyco as they come."

"You're not psychotic. I told you before that as long as you're expressing your feelings in a healthy way, it doesn't matter how long you have them for. You can't help how you feel Helga."

"Aint that the truth." I popped my gum again.

"So now you've said that you _still _have feelings for him when a minute ago you weren't sure."

I shrugged again, "It's different every day Doc. I don't know what to tell you. My feelings for him have gotten confusing."

It didn't really feel like we're getting anywhere. I kind of wished she didn't ask me about Arnold. But the questions about him kept coming.

"Have you seen him since you separated?"

"Actually yeah." I laid back on the couch. "He goes to school with me now. Him and a lot of the other kids I went to middle and elementary school with. We all go to Classical now…except Pheobe. I still haven't seen her in a few years."

"How funny! Was this all by coincidence?"

"No. Actually it was Lila that brought us back together…do you remember Lila?"

"It was the girl who was obsessed with fashion right? And you hated her?"

"No no that was Rhonda. Lila was the one who Arnold had a crush on."

"Ohh. I see. How did Lila bring you back together?"

…..

It was two years ago. I remember I was sitting my room that day, drawing. At the time I wondered if becoming an artist would be a good path for me. I dunno. People thought I was creative and shit. I had a few friends who thought so anyway…no one really worth talking about. Just a couple of pot heads who shop lifted for fun. They liked me because I was "Philosophical" even when I didn't smoke. Anyway, it wouldn't be until a year later that I realized that I actually sucked at painting and wanted to go into politics. I only drew political pieces, the concepts were great and all but I couldn't execute them for balls. So, naturally I was completely frustrated with what I was doing. Right before I was about to throw my canvas out the window, Big Bob called for me.

"HELGA. YOUR FRIEND LOLLY IS ON THE PHONE. MAKE IT QUICK I HAVE A CALL ON THE OTHER LINE MISSY."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "WHO THE HECK IS LOLLY _BOB?"_

"I DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS JUST GET YOUR FANNY DOWN HERE AND PICK UP THE PHONE."

I sighed. "COMING DAAAD! What a load of crap." I ran down the stairs and he left the phone off the hook on the end table. "Who is this and make it quick." I spat.

"Hi, Helga it's Lila."

I froze for a second. Lila? Like…farm girl Lila who I absolutely couldn't stand?

"Oh…hey." I hadn't spoken to miss perfect princess in like a year okay! She went to Classical with Arnold, the little witch. It was pretty damn awkward if you ask me. "What do you want?"

"Oh nothing. I just missed you ever so much and I well… I suppose I wanted to know how you were." Something was off. She sounded sad. There was always such a bounce in her voice and here she sounded kind of…scratchy, like she had been crying.

I was praying that she didn't call me with her pathetic little issues. What, did her cow get loose or something? Did she get gum stuck in her perfect hair?

I groaned. "Get to the point Lila. Something's up. What's going on?"

She paused for a second and stifled a whimper. "Spit it out Lila! It's Friday night, I have a date with canvas that I'm pissed at, and I am completely covered in paint so just go on and say it."

"Eugene died this morning." I was expecting her to burst out crying after she said it. Actually, I wasn't expecting her to sound so calm either. Eugene was her boyfriend for like the past year after all.

What was even more surprising was that I couldn't speak. Not a word. The kid was always such a clutz. Running his bike into manholes, tripping over his own feet. He was in and out of the hospital constantly! But I really never expected him to die this young. I mean I guess he had it coming but, I actually felt, shocked and what's even weirder…I got upset.

Lila spoke again, quietly. "He was hit by an eighteen wheeler." She sniffed. "He was riding his bike and the trucked swerved into him. This time he didn't make it."

I felt a tear run down my cheek. I put a hand to my mouth and just stared at the ground. What was I supposed to say? Eugene didn't just get into an accident…Eugene was….dead. Forever.

"The wake is in two days." She said. "I was really hoping you'd come."

A wake? I hadn't been to a wake since I was four and my grandmother died. She was old as Satan so that wasn't a big deal. Would I be able to handle the body of a kid I used to be…well…we weren't friends but, that's the only term that came to mind when I thought about him at that moment.

"Yeah…yeah sure. Definitely."

"All of the old group is hanging out tomorrow night. We're gonna sleep over Rhonda's and head over to the wake together the next morning."

"Was this your idea?"

"Well no, I just decided to call everyone. It was Arnold's idea."

Normally my ears would've perked up at the sound of his name and I would've gotten excited. But I kind of just automatically answered "Arnold is going huh?"

"Yep. Harold, Stinky, Sid, and Gerald too. I couldn't get a hold of anyone else."

"Sheena?"

"She moved to Idaho remember?"

"Right…I forgot."

"Would you like to come?"

"What about Phoebe?"

"Her parents said she's doing a semester in Tokyo right now…I-I thought you would've known that."

"No…we don't talk much anymore."

"Oh I see…I was going to call Curly next."

"Don't bother. He went to English with me. They finally put him away. Remember the rumor about the bomb threats at English?"

"Yes?"

"That was Curly. He's in Juvie now."

"Gosh."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I actually started to become angry. Everything was so different now. Eugene was dead. Curly was in jail. I was angry that all of us had separated so easily. How could any of us do that? I mean I guess it's not that hard to believe. After all…they _are_ idiots. But I thought about Pheobe. How could she just let her parents push her around like that? How could she just go to a private school and not say a word until _I _called her? How could she just let her parents talk about me and call me an ingrate? How could she just tell me we couldn't speak anymore and then tell me I wasn't good for her?

I could tell she didn't mean it either! She was just doing what mommy and daddy said, but still! We were all best friends! Even though I didn't like to admit it, I hung out with those kids every single day! I've grown up with them since god damn pre school! How could they pretend like I didn't matter?!

"I'll be there." I said and I hung up the phone. I heard my dad a few minutes later yelling about how I hung up on his business partner he was on the other line with. But I locked my door, crawled into bed and put a pillow over my face trying to drown the world out. I never finished my painting.

…

"The next night was pretty weird." I said popping my gum again. "The seven of us just sat around and talked about old times. I never realized until then that our childhoods were freaking crazy! You know we had a lot of adventures and crap. The Wake was sad, Sheena managed to show up to pay her respects but she couldn't go to the funeral. Probably had some potatoes to eat, I dunno what was so important in Idaho. Damn. Anyway after the funeral, we all looked at each other at the reception and realized that we needed each other now. So, we all decided to transfer to Classical high school. Cause Gerald, Lila, Arnold, and Harold went there already, and we became friends again. They're all probably the best friends I've ever had. It's been that way for two years."

wrote some crap down on her clip board. I felt like I should have been getting emotional, talking about Eugene's death, but there were honestly other things on my mind.

"So the death of your former classmate really brought you guys back together."

"It did. I was really mad at them for a while though."

"Why were you angry at them? You said earlier that you felt like they didn't care about you."

"I've thought about it a lot." My brain was starting to hurt. I took out my pony tail and tied it higher in my head. "I guess a part of me blamed them for Eugene dying."

"Why's that?"

"Because I wondered that if we had all stayed together that maybe someone would have been with him and maybe saved him or something? I don't know. It was stupid of me to think that." I got up off the couch and hugged my arms to my chest. Damn. I was starting to get emotional. I walked over to the floor to ceiling window behind her desk.

"It happened over on 43rd street. You know…where the flower shop is?...I work there now…." I put my hand on the window and scanned the city. "I can't wait to leave here. I can't wait to run for office and live in DC and actually have a handle on my life doc. "

"You don't feel as though you have a handle now?"

"Nope. Not even a little. I'm all sad about my friend dying and I treated him like shit when we talked. I made fun of him a lot…"

"You made fun of a lot of people. You were an angry person Helga."

"I still am. It's kind of like I'm falling but never hitting the ground. Like, a roller coaster with an endless drop." I took my hand away, turned towards her and leaned on the window. "I'm angry all the time, I just don't show it as much anymore. Or…no….I just don't show what I'm actually angry about."

She stood up and proceeded to sit in her desk. I always liked that about her, she was always so informal. She treated me like a person.

"What are you actually angry about Helga? Is it about Eugene? Arnold? You said you were still really good friends with Arnold. What's that like for you?"

"To be frank, I don't even pay attention to him that much anymore. I know that when I was here before he was one of my biggest reasons to be angry. He was the only person that ever gave me attention and I couldn't tell him how I felt. Now, things are more complicated. I've had other relationships. My obsession with Arnold has ended. My feelings haven't…but I just don't think about it anymore."

"Are you in a relationship currently?"

I laughed. "I just got out of one actually." I walked over and sat in her chair and stared at the ceiling. Wolfgang. Pfft. Another joke. What a dope he was.

"What happened with him? How did it end?"

"Same thing as the guy I lost it to. I dumped him because he was stupid. Wolfgang and I were together for like…a year. But I was just in it for the comfort…and the sex."

"Comfort?"

"You wouldn't know it by talking to him, but he really cared about me. I used him. I admit it. When life was shitty I had someone to hold me and whisper sweet nothings and crap."

"So mushy romantic things were okay with him?"

"Yeah they were I guess. Sometimes I couldn't help but laugh at the sap. I didn't even imagine he was Arnold when he said those things…I just needed to hear it from anyone. Anyone at all, and there he was."

"You _needed _to hear them? It sounds to me, and it has throughout this whole appointment, that something else has been going on that you aren't opening up about."

I stayed quiet. Was I ready to talk about it yet?

"You haven't mentioned your family yet. Have they been paying attention to you more?"

I started laughing and could not stop for at least three minutes. "Helga I'm serious. What's been going on with your family?"

"I can't do this." I said still laughing. I picked up my back pack and headed for the door. "You've been a huge help doc really, but I gotta go places."

"Helga we still have twenty minutes left in the appointment." She said getting up.

"No skin off my nose. I'll see you around doc." And I left. I never went back there again.

How could I be so stupid! She didn't help at all! How could I talk to her? Besides it was a stupid thing to get upset about. So my family isn't perfect, big fucking whoop! I'm Helga G. Pataki and I was not about to get upset about this crap.

The minute I left the building I pulled a cigarette out of my backpack. I reached into my pocket. Damn, where'd my lighter go?!

"Crimeny! Why do I lose everything I touch?" I took off my backpack and put it on the ground. I took out my sweatshirt from my bag and looked in those pockets. My lighter was gone. "Damnit!" Whatever. Rhonda's house was around the corner. I could get a light from her.

I went up to her estate and rolled my eyes like I normally do. Her house was so lavish and gaudy. Every time I went to her house I always thought about how if I had that much money (which I will one day), that my place would be classy as hell.

After all, I'm a classy ass human being.

"RHONDA GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!" I never bothered to knock. Her room was on the ground floor. "RHONDAAA I NEED A LIGHT!"

She came out the door. "Jesus do you even own sweat pants?" I said gesturing to her appearance. Her hair was down her back and straightened perfectly, her makeup was done and get this, she was wearing god damn high heels. Who the heck wears high heels around their house?

"Do _you_ even own a pair of cute shoes? You wear those every day." She shut her door, pulled out a cigarette and lit it before handing the lighter to me.

"Hey, I like my combat boots. They're the only shoes I need bucko." I spit out my gum on the street, lit up my cigarette and took a drag. Damn. That was better. I could feel my nerves untighten.

"You're lucky you're attractive Helga. You can pull off the whole feme fatal crap with your simplistic…t-shirt and skinny jean look. And do you ever wear your hair down?"

"Shut up princess. I'm not in the mood for you to try and make me over again."

"But you looked so hot in that dress you borrowed from me! At spring fling last year Wolfgang couldn't take his- " She stopped herself midsentence. "Oh god, I'm sorry I forgot you guys broke up today."

"Yep. Lucky me."

"What happened? I got a call from Sid saying you were all choked up this morning."

"Ugh. It's like that kid spies on me or something. Why's he have to live right next door. Jesus."

"I saw you walk to the therapists office."

I scoffed. "So?"

"Well, clearly you're sad. If you want to talk about it I'm all ears."

"Pfft. No offence Rhonda but unlike us little people you don't really understand much."

She looked pissed, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you've never had to struggle a day in your life. You and your privileged family just sit around and pretend that everything is fine and the world is great and all you need to worry about is going on your step master and what cardigan will match your belt. Face it princess. Whatever advice you have for me isn't going to work." I took another drag. Damn. I was really ancy today.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" She threw her cigarette down and stomped it into the ground. "You haven't acted like this since we were kids! You're being a bitch."

I didn't say anything. "I told you, you wouldn't understand." I went to go walk away, but she put her hand on my shoulder.

"Tell me what's wrong. You've been acting weird even before Wolfgang broke up with you. For the past month you've been, like this! You just insult everything everyone says. It's like we're back in god damn grade school."

I sighed and turned to her, "First off, I broke up with him. I never liked him. I used him because I was desperate."

"Really?" She seemed shocked.

"Yep."

"Gee…that's really….really,"

"Selfish? Mean? Inconsiderate? Yeah I'm aware. He told me so this morning." I looked at the ground. Wolfgang was on my mind a bit sure…but it was nothing compared to what I knew was coming later.

Rhonda pulled me into a hug, which normally I would have pushed her away for. But it felt nice. I felt safe. Even though she is a spoiled princess know-it-all…she was a good friend. I hugged her back. "Can I stay at your place tonight?" I hugged tighter. "Home isn't really going to help in this situation."

"Of course." She said as she pulled away. "I was going to go prom dress shopping this afternoon. Do you want to come?"

I grimaced. "On second thought I'll just go home."

"Oh come on Helga. It'll be fun!"

"Pfft yeah fun for you. I'm not going."

"Not going?!" She looked like it was the worst news she'd ever heard. "THIS IS JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE!" She pulled on my arm and lead me inside. "I'm calling Lila right now and getting her over here. We are finding you a dress and a date!"

"Ughhhhh no! Not this girly stuff. You're at least not going to call Nadine right?"

Nadine had a huge falling out with the rest of group way back in middle school. It started when she began spreading rumors about Stinky having a small penis. Not only was that uncomfortable for EVERYONE to think about in the first place, but we all knew we couldn't trust her after that. Somehow she had managed to surpass Rhonda in bitchiness. She and Rhonda stayed friends, but I didn't even want to THINK about being around that little shit.

"No, no I know how you feel about her. Besides, she was never as good at dressing herself as Lila was." She picked up her phone in the over decorated living room and dialed Lila.

"Lila its Rhonda. Get this. Helga doesn't have a date for Prom…I know I know it's completely tragic. She doesn't even want to go…great I'll see you in a few." She hung up. "She'll be here in ten minutes."

I groaned. This was crap. "Rhonda. Don't you get it?! Prom is not important. It's just a stupid dance where people wear gaudy ass dresses and society makes us THINK it's important because they just want teenagers to spend all kinds of money on superficial crap so we don't have money for college."

"Oh Helga. Have some fun once in a while."

I sat on her couch and threw my arms in the air. "I give up!" She smirked at me. "What?! Got something to say?"

"What if I told you I could get Arnold to be your prom date?"

I sat straight up. This whole time my thoughts about Arnold haven't seemed that important compared to the rest of my life but….the idea of wearing black tie formal wear and dancing with him in the moon light under an archway a roses seemed like…like..

"Ooooohhh!" Then I blacked out. I guess was too overwhelmed with the thoughts my love- I mean Arnold and I going to prom together.

"HELGA! HELGA!"

"Umm Helga? We would ever so appreciate it if you woke up."

My eyes fluttered open, "My love?"

"No Helga. It's Rhonda and Lila…..You're love?"

I shook my head and stood up quickly. I fake laughed, "Hahahahaha did I say that? I meant to say…my…my…MY DOVE!"

Rhonda raised an eye brow, "Your dove…"

"Yep haha. I found one yesterday just sitting on the sidewalk you know all sweet an innocent and I thought 'hey what the fuck is a damn dove doing in the middle of the city' so I told it fly away boy FLY AWAY! And off it went into the distance and now I was just wondering if it was okay and shit. Eheheh…."

"Right…." Rhonda and Lila looked at each other quizzically.

"Helga. I think you might be lying." Lila said grinning.

"What are you getting at?" I gritted my teeth.

Whenever she got like this, you could tell that she wasn't completely sweet underneath, but damn did she use it to her ability. "Why Helga, I'm ever so certain that your love could be referring to Arnold."

I had to cover it up. "Pfft. Arnold? Who gives a rats ass about Arnold." I looked away like I didn't care, but when I slowly brought my gaze back to meet theirs, they were grinning at me….evily. They were demons.

Then they turned back into girls and started shrieking.

"AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YOU LOVE ARNOLD!"

Rhonda sat next to me on the couch. "UGH that is too adorable."

"The fact that you've liked him ever since we were nine is- is,"

They both squealed "SO ROMANTIC!"

I sighed. Well. It was out. No use it fighting it now. I was tired of fighting anyways. "Yeah well…he's perfect."

"AWWWW!"

"But he's never liked me. Even now, he's nice to me but…we barely talk. He's into girly girls like…well like you guys."

They looked at each other again and then back to me. "That's not what I hearrrrrd." Rhonda said shifting her eyes to her nails.

I raised an eyebrow. "What?" She just smiled and kept looking at her nails. I tackled her to the ground in response and grabbed her by the shirt. "TELL ME NOW YOU LOON! WHAT DID YOU HEAR ABOUT ARNOLD!"

"Oh. Oh nothing."

"TELL ME NOW BEFORE I POUND YOU INTO THE GROUND."

"That could be taken sexually."

"RHONDA!"

"Well… I may have heard that he's going to ask you to prom, but he's been really shy because he thinks you hate him."

I dropped her and sat up. Me? Arnold was going to ask….me?! For a few minutes all my problems seemed to disappear. Everything that may have ever made me angry just left my body. I felt like my heart was in the back of my throat and my spirit was lifting out of my body and into heaven. Which apparently it did because the next thing I knew I was dancing on Rhonda's coffee table.

"Arnold?! Wants to ask ME?! Oh joy! Oh rapture! How I've longed for this day when my love, ARNOLD, would actually find _me _attractive and be lifted on golden wings toward the everlasting light of…yes…LOVE. FOR ME. HELGA G. PATAKI!" I fell over again.

I sighed in happiness until I realized that Lila and Rhonda were just staring at me. This must have been odd for them. They'd never see this side of me before. Oh god. They were going to judge me so hard core.

That's why I was so shocked when they ran over to me, picked me up on my feet and started jumping around with me squealing like crazed fan girls. It was strangely way more comforting than I imagined it to be. I was so happy that they were happy for me…no wonder girls do this all. the god damn. time.

For the next ten minutes we talked about Arnold. They said that they always knew about it, but were waiting for me to admit it. Lila said she knew because of when she sort of forced me to tell me when we were in the fourth grade and I begged her to let me play Juliet.

Rhonda was shocked, "THAT'S WHY I WASN'T JULIET?!" She punched me in the arm. "You bitch! I was so sad that I couldn't play her!"  
I chuckled, "Well you could have princess, but you decided not to because of the "dress" that you had to wear."

"You tampered with the dress to make me drop out YOU BITCH!" she play hit me again.

"I had to! I needed to kiss him okay…it was one of the best moments of my life."

Lila "awed" again. "You should ask him tomorrow."

"What?! Me? Ask him? I dunno. What if he says no?"

Rhonda shook me, "Are you stupid?! Have you not been listening to us? Ever since you calmed down and tweezed your eyebrows the kid has been nuts about you! Ugh this all makes so much sense. That's why you didn't like Wolfgang! You were trying to repress your feelings for Arnold."

"It's ever so romantic. Actually Helga I'm surprised you haven't noticed his feelings for you."

I smiled and hugged my knees to my chest. "Are you serious? How obvious has it been?"

Rhonda scoffed, "Sooo obvious. He stares at you in Chem all the damn time. "

Lila laughed, "And he always compliments you on your T-shirts."

I looked at the ground. I guess I never noticed. Back in the day…I would have died and obsessed for weeks if Arnold did those things to me. Complimenting me? Staring at me in the back of the class?

"Wow." I said, my cheeks turning red. "My minds just been everwhere lately. Holy shit." I laughed. "Hair boy likes me." The girls squealed again and I glared. "Alright now it's getting annoying."

Rhonda stood up and clapped her hands together. "Now we need to get ready to go shopping for dresses. Ugh this will be perfect."

Lila spoke up, "Rhonda, we don't really need to get ready I'm sure we could just go right now."

Rhonda scanned her up and down. "You're going like that?"

Lila and I stood up. "Well, Rhonda, this…this is my favorite dress. I suppose I just don't really see what's wrong with it."

"Yeah Rhonda just a minute ago you were telling me how well she dresses herself. Doi."

Rhonda started dragging her upstairs, "Yellow is a summer color Lila, and please you ALWAYS wear your hair in a braid. It would look so nice down. You must let me help you."

"She looks fine princess!"

She turned to me. "Oh don't even get me started on you."

Just as I was about to groan and tell her to fuck off, her phone rang. Rhonda ran to answer it. "Ugh who the hell is calling right now honestly. Hello?...oh, Hello sir. ….Yes she's here…..We'll sir we were actually just about to go dress sho-…..okay! Okay! She's leaving now. Good by-" She hung up the phone.

"That was your dad Helga. He seems really mad."

"Oh hell no. If Big Bob thinks he can boss me around he's got another thing coming." I went over to the phone and dialed my house.

"Hello?"

"I'm not coming home tonight. Rhonda and Lila and I are going dress shopping. Got it?"

"HEY! Heyheyheyheyhey! It's a school night missy you're not going dress shopping. You're coming home this instant. I need my dinner."

"Why don't you just get mom to make it _Bob._"

He groaned. "Because your mother is freaking useless! Get home twenty minutes or I'm not giving you an allowance!"

I gave him the ultimate Helga Pataki attitude, which I always regretted later. "I don't have an allowance Dad. I have a job remember? Or did you forget that I've been paying RENT to you for the past year."

"Don't give me lip kid! Be home in twenty minutes or you'll regret it!" He hung up.

I shook my head and hung up the phone.

I sighed, "Sorry guys. I have to get back home. My dad's gonna kill me."

"That's okay Helga. We'll hold off shopping until Friday." Rhonda said.

"I can't I have work." I groaned.

"Saturday then?" Lila asked looking hopeful.

"We'll shoot for Saturday." I took a cigarette out of my back pack and stuck it in my mouth. "Can I have a light before I go?"

Rhonda sighed, "Sure. Just borrow the damn thing. You've been smoking a lot lately." She tossed me the lighter.

"Well, this is my last one and I've been stressed! You know…Wolfgang…and Arnold." I hope they bought that lie.

"Oh of course Helga! Tells us how it goes after you ask him tomorrow. Then everything will be back to normal!" Lila said hugging me tightly.

What a sap. Of course she'd buy that. I hugged her back a little, "Yeah. Yeah sure. That sounds good." I walked out the front door and lit my cigarette, "Later bitches!"

The walk home was long. Probably one of the longest walks I had ever taken. I felt my heart pounding so loudly I wondered if the people who walked past me could hear it too.

Calm down Helga.

You can do this Helga.

When I was about a block away from home Harvey the mailman passed by me.

"You doin okay Helga?"

"What? Oh hey Harvey. Yeah I'm fine."

He nodded at me, "You know if you need anything,-"

I smiled, but didn't look at him, "Don't worry Harv. Shit happens."

I pulled out my Walkman and put my headphones on. If I ran into anyone else I didn't want them to bother me. I had my Bjork album in. It was in the middle of "It's oh so quiet." Immediately the crazy jazz music rang through my head. The combination of my music and cigarettes made me forget, if only for a few minutes. The song made me think of how I felt about Arnold. Hopefully asking him out tomorrow would help me feel better. I knew that later….well….later was not going to be completely fantastic let's just say.

Pfft. Football head….you always made me smile.

But even Bjork, cigarettes or the thought of Football Head couldn't keep me from what was about to happen. Eventually I came to my front door. I took a deep breath in, and creaked the door open slowly.

….

**I update every Sunday! Stay tuned!**

**xoxoxoxo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the follows you guys! They made me smile.**

**Also I'd like to apologize for the spelling and grammatical errors in the last chapter and the ones that will probably pop up in this one. **

**I have a friend who will edit these for me. Pinkie promise.**

**Enjoy!**

…**.**

I walked into school the next day. I frowned almost the entire time. I didn't get much sleep the entire night. My head was pounding. I didn't even shower that morning. I just threw on my work clothes and walked out the door. I begged Mrs. Vitello on the phone this morning to let me come into work early.

"I know it's a stinking flower shop and I know we don't get thousands of costumers so you don't NEED extra workers but just PLEASE let me come in early!"

She knew. She knew it happened again. She agreed to let me come in and do my homework there, but I wouldn't get paid for it. I thanked her quickly and rushed out the door to buy more cigarettes before school.

I found out _very_ quickly that people were whispering about me. I just glared intensely. "What are you looking at geek bait?!" I yelled at one kid. He fell on his ass and ran away as fast as he could. "YEAH THAT'S RIGHT KEEP RUNNING!" I turned back to the crowd staring at me. They immediately turned their backs once I made eye contact.

High School is interesting. In grade school when people made fun of you, they said it to your face. Now everyone fights dirty. Everyone will talk about you behind your damn back but no one will ever admit shit to you. I gotta say…I preferred grade school to this.

"ONE SIDE MORON!" I shoved a kid who was standing in front of my locker.

"Helga?"

I looked up.

"Hey Arnold." I looked back down immediately. Well, this was it. I was going to ask him to prom. It was interesting to me, last night I was so sure that I was going to feel giggly and nervous and feel my heart in my throat again. But I didn't feel anything. That morning, it didn't really matter to me if he said yes or not.

Nothing completely mattered at that moment. I just wanted to get through the day and sneak home without anything getting in my way.

"Helga," he put a hand on my shoulder.

"What?" I still didn't look at him. I kept messing up my locker combination. "I'm trying to open my damn locker if you don't mind football head."

"Football head? I haven't heard that one in a while."

"Yeah well get used to it." I finally got it open and took out my Chem book and my Government book.

"Helga." He squeezed my shoulder a little harder. "Look at me."

"I don't have to do shit for you Arnoldo-" He grabbed me under my chin and turned my face toward him. I smacked his hand away immediately. "DON'T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN ASSHOLE!" He just stared at me. His mouth slightly ajar.

"I…I'm sorry." He said sincerely. "Did I hurt you?"

I took this opportunity to stare back at him. I shouldn't have snapped at him. He didn't mean it.

God. Even if I was numb I could still admit…he was really damn attractive. He grew taller, and ever since he joined the baseball team, broader. I found myself always glimpsing at his arms.

"Do you have to wear that shirt everyday football head?" He glanced down at his open plaid shirt. "You look like a damn lumberjack or something."

"You've been hanging out with Rhonda too much." He smiled a little.

"Pfft. What's it to you?" I just stood there, not making eye contact. A piece of hair got in my face, I tried to casually blow it out of the way, but all the hairs just separated and became frizzy. Damn, I wish I took a shower. I groaned. "What do you want Arnold?"

"Helga, what's going on? What happened to you?"

"Nothing happened Arnoldo. What makes you think something happened to me?"

"You've got a huge shiner on your face and…your nose…"

"What about my nose?!"

"It's purple! It looks broken. Did you go to the hospital for it?"

I turned away, still not looking at him, "Yeah well sometimes shit happens football head. And don't worry I iced it this morning." That was a lie. But anything to keep him from pestering me.

"Everyone's saying that you got in a fight with Patty."

I turned back to him, "Patty? As in "Big Patty"? She goes to English. I haven't seen her since I transferred. Doi."

"That's what I thought. Did you get in a fight with someone here?"

I spat back, "I didn't _get in_ a fight with anyone! Why would you automatically assume that!?"

He stifled a laugh, "Well I mean…it's you. You can get pretty violent."

I flared up. It wasn't pretty. I got so angry, that I could barely whisper.

"How dare you." I got in his face. I actually had to stand on my toes to do it, if you could believe that. "I haven't been in a fight since middle school. Ever since I came to Classical I've tried as hard as I could to be calm and keep to myself. And the minute I actually FEEL something, all of the sudden I'm a violent bitch again? It's like all of my trying was for nothing. Even though we don't talk much you KNOW I'm not like that. Why would you even think that? " I backed away. "You have no idea what my life is like. Stop pretending that you know me."

He came close again, "But Helga I do know you." He put both his hands on my shoulders. "I just want to know who hurt you. Harold, Sid, Stinky and Gerald are ready to beat up who did this because…another rumor that's being spread around…is that Wolfgang did it."

I laughed. I actually laughed out loud. "Oh please."

"No, I'm serious. Sid says he hears you fighting with guy in your house all the time. It only started when you and Wolfgang started having problems."

Oh my god. He was serious?

I laughed so much that I had to put my head on his shoulder. "No. I promise you. Wolfgang didn't do this. I know that everyone thinks he's the huge bully but he's not. He's actually a big sap with a heart full of butterfly shit." Arnold laughed. Wow. This felt really nice. My head was on his chest and I felt, comfortable. Not nervous or sweaty or scatterbrained just…comfortable.

Then the bell rang.

Damn the bell! I was having such a good moment with him, even if I wasn't enjoying it as much as I should have.

"You wanna walk me to Chem football head?" Arnold smiled and stepped back.

"Actually, I was thinking we could take a day off."

I grinned from ear to ear. "Really?"

"Really."

"But, you never miss school and…don't you have practice later?"

"Coach will understand." He started walking past me. "I got a friend who needs me right now." He winked.

Friend?

I shoved my books back in my locker, grabbed my hoodie and you'd better believe that I walked right out the front door after him.

We walked for a few minutes. I was stunned. Arnold was ditching school…for me? What merit could he possibly see in that?

"Geez, they really don't have good security in the school." He said surprised as we walked down the street.

"Haha nope. Those bums don't give a shit if we show up or not." I took out a cigarette. "They pretend to care but they really don't. You got a light hair boy?"

"You know I don't smoke Helga." I shrugged. I had forgotten he didn't smoke. Probably trying to be healthy for sports or whatever. I went up to a guy on the side of the road and asked for a light. He seemed more than happy to give me one. It suddenly became weird when Arnold called for me. "You ready?" The guy looked at my face and then looked at him.

"You alright hun?" He said eyeing Arnold with suspicion.

"Of course I'm alright douchebag!" Oh come on you know me. I tend to over react.

I took a drag. "Arnold didn't do this to me idiot! Crimeny." I took Arnold by the hand and dragged him away.

We didn't speak for a few minutes. But we got more stares. This just made me angrier. All I wanted to do was punch all these people in the face. I get how weird it must look. I'm holding hands with a guy and my face looks disfigured. I get it. Whatever. I just felt bad for Arnold.

Especially since they have no idea that he's playing hookie for _me _and he doesn't even know what's going on_. _I mean, I didn't even know where we're going or where he was taking me or why he was still holding my hand.

Oh my god.

He's still holding my hand.

I tried not throw up.

"Helga?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you sweating so much?"

My mind went black for about 30 seconds.

"Helga?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING ME GOD DAMN NERVOUS JESUS CHRIST!" A group of people stopped and stared. Crap I just yelled at him in public….with my broken face. Ugh. People are so judgmental.

"BUZZ OFF PEONS!" They scattered like flies. Arnold just laughed. I zipped up my hoodie in embarrassment and put my hood up. "Maybe we should get out of public."

"Okay… where do you wanna go?"

Ugh I loved how patient he was. All these people were just judging him and he didn't even care. I secretly always admired him for that….I could never be like that though, my mouth doesn't permit me to be quiet. I went over our options.

"We can't go to my house." I sighed and kicked a newspaper on the street. I didn't feel like dealing with Miriam. "But where else could we skip out of school without a million people staring at us?"

"Why do you care if people stare at you?" He flashed a curious smile.

I clammed up. I wasn't about to answer that question are you joking? So much for my mouth not permitting me to be quiet.

"Okay…do you want to go to my house?"

"Yes!" I answered a little too quickly causing him to laugh at me. I turned away and couldn't control my reddening cheeks. "Shut up." I snapped.

This whole situation was so odd to me. After we got to Arnold's place and we sat up in his room…I realized I had never EVER really hung out with Arnold one on one….well with him knowing about it anyway. I felt like I was on a different planet. My brain felt like it was outside my body. I was just serene…calm…not really thinking. I felt my entire body being set on fire, but….that might have just been my damn face wounds. I was trying to ignore the pounding feeling in my eye and nose. I didn't even realize until I sat down in Arnold's desk chair that I couldn't see out of my left eye. Holy shit…I got really fucked up.

"This isn't the first time." He said out of nowhere sitting on his bed.

"What isn't?"

"That you've been hurt."

I made a face. "What do you mean "been hurt"?"

"Well I mean, this isn't the first time I've noticed you've had bruises."

This made me curious. This is the first time I had ever had a bruise on my face. I've never had any on my arms….I never show my legs…or my stomach….ever. Most of the time I just wear my work clothes to school…and that's a turtle neck and cargo pants. What was he getting at? I leaned forward. I my tone was a bit sassy. "Oh really? How would you know I've had other bruises?" It took off my hoodie and showed him my arms, I waved them around a little bit. "Because this is what I wear everyday…literally every day. So I don't see how you could have seen anything else football head."

He twiddled his thumbs and looked at the ground…the exact same thing I do when I get nervous. What was he about to tell me?

"Okay, this is going to sounded really weird. Do you remember at the beginning of the month when coach made you do detention for him?"

"Pfft yeah. It was the lamest thing ever. He made me run around the track like eight times just because I didn't dress for gym that day. He made me wear lost and found gym clothes. It was completely disgusting….how'd you know about that?" This was going to be interesting.

"Well, after practice…" He blushed and looked at the floor.

Oh my god. What WHAT!?

"Yeah?"

"Gerald, Harold and I…well the coach wanted to keep us even later after practice to go over some stuff."

"Well you guys are the best three players or something right?"

He blushed, "I don't like to think that I'm one of the best. I just like to have fun with it. But, anyways, the three of us were so tired from the extra practice that we kind of went into the wrong locker room."

My heart was in my throat again. I could feel my cheeks burning so much I thought they were going to fall off. I gulped. "A-and?"

"Well you were changing and-" He paused and looked up at me slowly as if he was waiting for me to freak out. I didn't. I couldn't. I was way too embarrassed. A million questions went through my head. What did he see? How MUCH did he see? HOW LONG WAS HE STANDING THERE? I probably was being gross and sniffing my pits or something. CHRIST!

"I-I didn't stay and-and watch or anything I promise Helga." He was so embarrassed. It was really cute. "I just, I saw them, on your back and stomach…." He looked away, worried. "Something's been going on with you and if it _is _Wolfgang, you can tell me."

I looked down and spun in the chair a little. "Did Harold and tall hair boy see?"

"Yeah." I covered my face with my hands. God damn it. _That's _not okay. I'll beat the shit out of them later.

"They're really worried about you too Helga. I mean it. After they saw you, they looked like they were going to be sick."

My head snapped up, "OH. So the sight of my body sickens you guys. Grreeat."

He groaned, "No no no no that's not what I meant and you know it. I mean Helga…have you even looked in the mirror since it happened?" When I didn't respond he stood up and gestured me to follow him. Why couldn't he just drop this already!

"I'm fine Arnold." He lead me to the bathroom. I glared at him. "I'm not going in."

He smiled a little, "Just do this for me. You need to see what I'm seeing….what everyone else is seeing." I sighed. I supposed that just a peep wouldn't hurt. Besides…he said to do it for him right?

I stepped past him and shoved him a little. The sink was right next to the door. I turned and looked in the mirror…I was horrified.

My left eye was almost completely invisible and in place were my eyelids that were not only purple and pink, but they were blown up at least three time the size they usually were. The bruise spread out up to my eyebrow and down my cheek bone. My nose….Jesus Christ. I can't even describe the way my nose looked. It was so disfigured I looked like the hunchback of notre dame. I realized I didn't even wipe some of the dried blood off from underneath it. Explains why it was so damn itchy. I took a small towel, ran it under water and gently wiped under my nose. I also wiped a cut going down my lip.

"Must've been the desk." I muttered.

"Desk?"

"I didn't say anything."

"You were shoved into a desk?!"

"None of your business." I left the bathroom immediately and went up to Arnold's room. I laid down on his bed and curled up in a ball. His sheets smelled like him. I felt him sit down next to me. He needs to stop talking. I'm starting to get to my boiling point. Who was that girl in the mirror? I couldn't even recognize her.

"Helga, it's okay to talk." He said putting his hand on my shoulder.

"No. It. isn't." I shoved his hand away, but he was persistent.

"Helga, you need to talk about it."

"Why does _everyone _want me to talk? Sheesh!"

"Helga-"

"Just leave me alone."

"You really should-"

"Arnold just fucking drop it!"

"Helga if you just open up-"

"I DON'T WANT TO OPEN UP!" I sat up and whipped around. "YOU KNOW WHY I HATE WHEN PEOPLE STARE AT ME?" I screamed. "It's like they think I'm some kicked puppy or something! Like "Oh no, look at the poor little blonde girl with the broken face." I'M. NOT. . JUST HAPPENS!"

"Helga this has been happening for a long time hasn't it?"

"ARNOLD! IT DOESN'T _MATTER _HOW LONG IT'S BEEN HAPPENING. PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO KNOW!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE THEY'LL THINK I'M WEAK!" Oh god. It came out. I thought about how everything spewing about my mouth sounded psychotic. Too late to turn back now. Like I said earlier. I'm done fighting. Just…done. The tears started coming out my good eye. I looked pathetic. "I'm not weak. I'm Helga G. Pataki…I'm not god damn weak."

He let me cry for a minute. I didn't sob…I just cried. I stared off into the distance. Nothing seemed to matter again. I could feel the numbness in me coming back. He put his arm around me. As soon as he started to comfort me I realized that even though it felt nice…I didn't want to concentrate on this emotional bullshit anymore. I'm not supposed to be this way. I said the first question that came to mind. "How much did you see?"

He seemed a little taken aback. "Huh?"

I wiped my tears. "When you saw me in the locker room, was I naked?"

He blushed hard again. "Uhhh…"

"It's okay, it was accident I don't mind." I wiped more tears. He got up and got some tissues from his desk.

"Enough to know what was happening."

"Don't be vague hair boy."

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away as I blew into the tissue. Which hurt a lot. Ow. "Spit it out!" I growled.

"Well…I dunno. I…"

"Yes?"

"You were in your underwear. So…its not like I saw any…parts. You had on like this red lacy-"

"I didn't ask you what my underwear looked like." I joked.

"I-I-I -I just. Oh man. I'm so sorry Helga."

"Sometimes you're too nice Arnold." He sat back down and put his head in his hands. I spoke again. "I was about to ask if you liked what you saw….but-"

He looked up, "But what?"

"But…I have a feeling that's not a good question. Cause you know…saw my bruises and crap. Of course you didn't like it. I look friggen gross."

He turned to me immediately and put his hands on my face. "You don't look gross Helga. I-"

What was he doing? Was it finally happening?

"I think you're beautiful."

I didn't smile like I thought I would, but I looked into his eyes. His completely…beautiful green eyes. "Really? You mean that?"

He froze. I could tell what he wanted to do, clearly he was just too afraid to do it. Just as I was about to move in to kiss him, he stopped me.

OH FUCK! Maybe he didn't want to kiss me?! I went too fast holy crap now I'm screwed and he'll never want me and I'll die old and alone with a million cats in a manly pants suit after my failed attempt to run for office!

Easy girl.

Calm down.

Arnold just stared at me a little more and ran his fingers through my hair. That must not have been enjoyable because of my lack of showering.

"S-sorry." I blushed. "I'm gross, I didn't have time this morning to-"

"Helga?"

"Yeah?"

This was it. He was going to say it. Every inch of me didn't even want to let him talk. I wanted to just tackle him and make gross teenage love right on his bed. I asked again.

"Yes…Arnold?"

He leaned away and sighed, "Did Wolfgang do this or not?"

I frowned, "What?"

"I need to know."

I groaned, fell back wards onto his bed and shrieked into his pillow, "YOU'RE SO DUMB!"

"Helga I'm not stupid," he replied. "I know how you feel about me."

I sat up straight and felt the hairs on the back of my neck raise. "Y-you do?" He nodded. What. Football head knew? A thousand more questions zipped threw my head. Ugh. It was already 10 AM and I've gone through waaaay too many emotional fluctuations for this. I just wanted to go back to bed.

"How long?" I asked bashfully. To be honest I didn't really want to know. I just wanted to know how he felt.

He sighed, "I wasn't sure until today…when you said I was making you nervous, that's when I knew."

I laughed a little, "You always make me nervous….I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I'm such a mess. You can do WAY better than this."

He ran his fingers threw my hair again, "You need to tell me."

I sighed, "Can I ask you a question first?" He nodded. "I heard from Rhonda and Lila that you were planning on asking me to prom."

His eyes bugged out of his head. He turned away and coughed, "Uhh, we're not talking about that right now."

"Yes we are." I crossed my arms. "Wolfgang broke up with me _yesterday morning. _Rhonda says you've wanted to ask me for a while. Why would you ask me if you knew I had a boyfriend?"

He put his hand back on my face, "I'll tell you what, if you tell me who did this, I'll explain this…prom situation. Does that work?"

I groaned. Maybe I should tell him?

Maybe….he doesn't think I'm weak…and plus its Arnold for god's sake….he doesn't think anyone's weak. Maybe if I open up he'll…he'll like me?

I took in this biggest breath I had ever taken. "If I tell you," I started. "You have to absolutely promise not to bring it up again AND you can't tell anyone."

"I promi-"

"PROMISE?!"

He laughed, "Yes! Yes! I swear!"

"IF YOU TELL ANYONE I'LL RIP OUT YOUR TOUNGUE AND WRAP IT AROUND YOUR NECK!"

"OKAY!"

I breathed again. No more fighting Helga. Maybe….maybe you can truly be calm now. Maybe…maybe you can stop being so angry.

"I…." I groaned, still unable to get the words out.

"It's okay." He took my hand. "I'm here."

I smiled. Thank god he was here.

"Last year," I began. "My dad lost the company." Arnold made a shocked face. I wasn't surprised that he reacted like that. We didn't tell _anyone_ about it. "Yeah I know, Big Bob no longer owns Big Bob's beepers. Beepers are completely out of style now and apparently cell phones are in. He didn't make a freaking investment in cell phones so the company tanked. I've been working for the past year and helping to pay half the rent. Olga chips in now and then because my mom's useless and doesn't work so…I'm the only employed person in the house. My dad makes money off of unemployment. This…doesn't make my dad entirely happy. He gets jealous. I mean, he' s not a happy guy in the first place right? And work was literally his whole life. And you know me, I'm defiant as hell. I think the fact that I'm more independent that he is well…it just makes him do things." I felt another tear run down my cheek. This time I didn't bother to stop it. "You know….everyone says I got my temper from him but…I'd never go this far."

Arnold stared intensely at me. I could see the gears turning behind his eyes. Things were starting to fall into place and make sense. He cleared his throat and asked, "Does he do this to your mom?"

I shook my head, "No."

"And…your mom doesn't do anything about it?"

I half laughed. "My mom is so doped up on pills and booze that she doesn't even notice."

"Does your sister know?"

"No!" I spat. "And she never will. Besides, she'd probably just side with Bob."

He was silent for what seemed like forever. I began to feel sick. Shit…why did I tell him? He probably thinks I'm a loon. I sighed and stared at him. So much for the dream of him liking me now. Whatever. Life goes on.

He spoke again, "I'm sure your sister would want to help you."

I raised my eyebrows, "Pfft. You don't know her."

"You're sister isn't a bad person."

"Yes she is. She's freaking perfect! She's the light of everyone's life and she's the most pompous and pretentious little witch I've ever met. You know she's married now to this guy named Brad? I was her fucking maid of honor just so she could throw in my face that she'll be happy for the rest of her life and I won't."

"I think she made you her maid of honor because she loves you."

I grumbled, "What do you know anyway?"

"You need to tell her."

I laughed. "HAHAH oh no. Nononononononono. Never in a million years would I ever ask for _Olga's _help."

"I knew it." He said smiling.

"What?" He stayed smiling. "Stop being so cryptic what do you know?!"

"You don't think Olga's evil…you're just too proud to ask for her help."

"So?"

"So…it means you should talk to her."

"I'm not doing diddly squat."

He rolled his eyes. "But why?!" He stood up. "Helga why?! I don't get it!" Holy crap…was he…angry at me? "Why would you just let someone push you around like that? You're Helga G. Pataki! You don't take anything from anyone!"

I stood up. Oh no. This wasn't going to be pretty. "HEY. What makes you think I just sit there and _take it_ huh? You think I sit in the corner and cry 'Oh no daddy please don't beat me! Please I'll do anything!' Yeah right! I don't take his shit at all! You should see _his_ face!"

"Helga he's twice your size! He could _kill _you!"

"So?! Who gives a rats ass if I'm gone? Besides, I mean it's my DAD. As long as I go down fighting-"

He grabbed my shoulders intensely, "I AM NOT ABOUT TO LOSE YOU HELGA." I stopped. Shocked. He kept going, "WAKE UP HELGA. THIS GUY IS ABUSING YOU AND I DON'T CARE IF HE'S YOUR DAD. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HURT YOU." His eyes stared straight through me as he tried to catch his breath He whispered, "Ever."

Wow. He really cared about me…and not just in the way that Arnold cares about everyone…he…._really…_cared. He breathed deeply. Arnold didn't yell very often like I did. It took a lot out of him. "You." Breathe. Breathe. "Are not going anywhere." Breathe. Breathe. "Don't you dare. " He came close. "Don't you even think about leaving me."

That's when I couldn't hold back. My lips crashed into his. He put one hand around my waist and the other laced through my hair. My arms were around his neck and holy shit. I was kissing , and soon after _making out _with _ARNOLD. _I thought I was going to die. HE LIKED ME! I couldn't believe it. My mind went black again, and all I could sense was the electricity between the two of us.

This is what I was missing?

This whole time?

Helga you yutz. Why didn't you do this sooner?

I thought to myself how great of a kisser he was. This whole time I thought he was such a virgin goody goody. I was…incredibly wrong. He so sensual, but not cutesy. No, this…this is the kind of passionate kissing bitches only dream about. The kind you only see in movies. It wasn't sloppy, but it wasn't uptight either. There was just this energy that filled the whole room. Everything was forgotten. My thoughts were mute.

All that mattered….all that ever mattered really….was me and Arnold.

Eventually our lips parted and our foreheads touched. I opened my eyes. He was smiling.

"So that happened…" he whispered.

I giggled, causing him to laugh and pull away a little. "What?" I blushed.

"You giggled. I've never heard you be so…"

"Girly?"

"Yeah."

I spoke softly and smiled, "Yeah well…you better get used to it football head."

He kissed me again. This time it was shorter because I pulled away and asked, "So…are you gonna tell me why you thought asking me out while I was with someone else was a good idea?"

He laughed and kissed my forehead, "Honestly?"

"Doi." I needed to know.

"Well," he kissed my forehead again. "I thought I could get you to break up with him."

I looked up at him stunned. "You little player!" I couldn't believe that! "What were you going to do? Be all smooth and try and win me over?"

He shrugged. "Maybe." He blushed. Arnold wasn't that kind of guy. The fact that he would go to that extent to try and get me was…well shocking but also…..a little sweet. He said, "Well, I love you. Sometimes we do stupid things when we love someone."

Wait…love?

….

**Tell me what you think will happen next! Only three chapters left after all.**

**I update every Sunday!**


	3. Chapter 3

Sun.

Warmth.

I felt my cheeks burning as Arnold and I lay on the roof of the boarding house. Today was especially warm for October even though the sky was graying in the distance. We wanted to enjoy it before the cold kicked in. We had been there for hours. I probably should have been doing homework. Actually…I should have been doing a lot of things. I should have called Lila to tell her I didn't feel like going dress shopping that day. I also thought briefly about how I had missed work for the third time in a row to spend time with Arnold. Whatever. I've been meaning to quit anyway.

Bob doesn't need his rent.

He can suck it.

"So you really never want to leave the boarding house?" I asked, rolling over to look at Arnold.

He shook his head. "My family has been here for generations and I guess a part of me wonders…"

I drew invisible circles on his chest, "Wonders what?"

"I dunno. A part of me thinks that my parents might still be alive, and if they ever wanted to find me-"

"But you were just telling me that your parents were adventurers! Don't you think they'd want you to get out of the city and you know, explore a little?"

He laughed, "You'll do enough exploring for the both of us. Whatever you choose to do, you'll go places."

I smiled, "I just wish I knew what to do I guess."

He rolled over to face me, "Well what are your options?"

I played with his hair and the breeze on the roof caused me to shiver a little. He put his hand on my arm and rubbed it to warm it up. "See," I started. "My lifelong dream has been to run for president, but I'm kind of wondering if I should go into linguistics instead and like, work for the CIA maybe?"

"That seems more up your alley." He said. "Where are you applying too?"

I shrugged, "Harvard Law originally." He sat straight up. "Are you serious?"

"I have the GPA for it, and the SAT scores, but I might not have enough money for it and besides if I go into linguistics-"

"Harvard would be a waste of time."

"Exactly! So because of that I've been looking at this college in London…but…"

"But what?"

I pulled my knees to my chest, "I'm not so sure I even want to go to school. I kind of just want to see everything first. I don't want to be like _Olga _and do everything by the book just because I can."

He placed his fingers under my chin. "I think you could go anywhere and be successful."

I laughed. "No I'm serious," he said sharply. "You've always had potential to take on the world. No matter how you do it, it'll turn out in your favor."

I looked at him. He was so supportive, so smart, so…everything. It would be a waste for him to just stay cooped up in this city. "You could come with me you know."

He shook his head and smiled, "No I couldn't." He rolled onto his back again and stared at the clouds.

"Yes you could!" I scooted closer to him." Doesn't that sound nice? Travelling around the world together? Studying abroad?" I wasn't about to tell him that _that _had also always been a dream of mine.

"I-I dunno Helga. It sounds really nice, but my parents-"

"We could go look for them."

He looked at me seriously. I gave him a minute to register what I had just offered. "What are you talking about?" he asked carefully.

"I don't have to go to school immediately like you said! We both work…well…I'll get another job anyway, and we could save money to go to South America and…find your parents."

He laughed, "That sounds like a stupid idea."

I frowned. "So does sitting around and waiting for them your whole life."

I could see him mulling it over in his head. He was thinking so rapidly he couldn't speak. I wasn't expecting him to answer right then and there. But this past month had me thinking that I should do something better with my time. Arnold had been helping me emotionally so much that I wanted to do something nice for him. His Grandmother was already gone and to be honest his grandfather wasn't too far down the road, why should he sit around and _wait_ for clarity? Why not just grab it by the balls?

I didn't want to be here anymore and the way he talked about the boarding house I could tell he didn't want to be stuck here either. Why not pack up and leave and do something worthwhile?

And I know this sounds selfish and awful but the whole experience would make for a grade A college essay.

He was still quiet. This wasn't going to be an easy decision.

I knew he wasn't going to say anything else about it today so I said, "Will you think about it at least?"

He leaned over and brushed his lips against mine. "Thank you." He said. "I will."

"Hey, no skin off my nose." He pushed his lips against mine again, but when he went to pull away I slid my hand up his neck to his cheek and deepened the kiss. I'm not too sure how long this kiss went on, but the longer it lasted the more intense it got. We've had a lot of moments like this in the past few weeks. The kissing would start off innocent enough, but one of us would gasp, or let out a little moan and before we knew it the kiss became needy and wanting. He'd put his hand threw my hair and play with my belt loops. I'd rub his neck and shoulders, slightly pushing the top of his shirt away so I could feel his skin. It was a fantastic feeling. I had never been with someone who held back so much…and made it sexy.

But I mean…we haven't exactly had any alone time together either.

The minute we announced to our friends we were dating I thought a land mine had exploded. Half of them fell on the ground and mostly everyone shouted, "FINALLY!" I had never realized how obvious it was. Neither had Arnold.

Either way, our friends had made the decision without our permission to monitor every date we had ever gone on. Whether they were there presently or hiding in a broom closet watching, Arnold and I could rarely show our affection for each other without someone "AWWing" in the background. No matter how much I yelled or threatened them they still never backed off.

But here we were, Arnold and I, on the roof of the boarding house, kissing like rabid animals….alone.

This time he didn't just tug at my belt loops. His hand wandered to my exposed hip where my shirt had rode up and grabbed it lightly. His other hand to my collar bone, unsure of whether he should keep going or not. Oh Arnold. He was such a gentlemen. Was he waiting for permission or something?

I gave him permission by letting my hands wander too. Lips still locked, I slid my hands down his torso and slipped my hands under his shirt. I traced the lines on his body. First the v lines, then I slowly crept up to his abs and then to his chest. I let out kind of a girly sigh. His body was….beyond beautiful.

You have no clue.

How long.

I've been waiting.

To do that.

Baseball players man.

Sexual encounters does a girl good.

I felt him smirk into the kiss. Sassy bastard. He knew I wanted him. His hand went from my hip to the button on my jeans. "Helga," He whispered and kissed my ear lobe. "I'm not so sure," he unbuttoned my jeans. "We should keep going I mean," He unzipped them. "We could get," He traced the line of my panties. "Carried away?" He slid his fingers down and felt me.

I gasped. This was a dream. It had to be. Football head should not be this good. In my mind he was still such a goody goody.

"I think you might be trying to seduce me football head." I said raising my eyebrows and smirking.

He winked. "Is that a problem?"

Oh my god. That wink. He actually makes winking sexy.

I grazed my teeth over his lower lip and lightly nipped at it, "No problem at all."

He stood up abruptly, leaving me confused for a second, but he held out his hand, helped me up and led me back to his room. Once inside he pressed me against his wall and started kissing me faster. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he parted my legs and pressed himself against me. I felt him involuntarily grinding. I managed to accidentally let out a soft "Oh…._Arnold."_

There was a knock at the door. "HEY SHORTMAN!" Phil shouted from the hall.

Arnold quite literally flung himself off me and across the room while I zipped up my jeans and fixed my hair.

"C-COME IN!" He yelled. I sat in his desk chair and pretended to look at my nails. Phil walked in with the telephone.

CRIMENY was I ever gonna get it in?!

"I got a phone call for your little girlfriend where is- OOH there she is!" Phil handed me the phone. For me? I bet it was Bob. Oh boy. "Make it quick. I gotta reschedule poker night with Mitsy." He looked at Arnold's flushed face and noticed my heavy breathing. Crap.

He laughed, "Oooh you crazy kids! Now just remember that pregnancy is the _last _thing you want at your age. I remember when Pookie and I-"

"GOODBYE GRANDPA." Arnold shoved him out of the room and shut the door. Phil spoke through the door, "JUST REMEMBER TO PULL OUT SHORT MAN."

"GOODBYE!"

I couldn't help but laugh. Phil was really starting to lose it. But it was damn funny to watch. I looked at the phone almost afraid to answer. Ever since Arnold found out about my "home situation" he's insisted that I stay at friend's houses and avoid home as much as possible. Bob hadn't been happy with me since then. I've been able to lie to him so far and say that I've had this huge science project with Lila I've had to work on. But…what did he want?

"Hello?"

"Helga?"

I frowned. What the- Olga? "What do _you _want? How did you know I was here?"

"Arnold gave me his number when he called me."

My eyes widened. "Arnold did?" I glared at him. He didn't look at me. I spoke calmly. "Why did Arnold call you?"

"Helga….Arnold told me everything….about Daddy." I heard her start to cry, the way she always did when she got emotional.

"Look Olga it's not that big of a deal Arnold was exaggerate-"

"Why didn't you say anything?" She asked, her voice cracking. "I'm not mad at you Helga but…but…I thought we had gotten closer over the years and well…I can't believe Daddy would do something like that to you."

I just sighed and looked angrily at Arnold. I mouthed, "What the fuck!" at him and he just looked away again.

"I'm coming home Helga. I'm confronting Daddy and I'm calling the police."

"What?!"

She wouldn't. Would she?

"Stay at Arnold's tonight and don't go home. I don't want you to go anywhere near Daddy anymore. I'll talk to Mommy too to see what's been going on."

"NO DON'T DO ANYTHING JUST STAY OUT OF IT!"

"Brad and I are moving into the boarding house and you're coming with us."

"WHAT?!" I screeched.

"Helga I don't want to uproot your life at high school but I can't let you stay in that house anymore."

"OLGA NO! I DON'T NEED YOU!"

"Helga I already failed you as a big sister once by letting Daddy do this." She cried. "I'm not going let you get hurt anymore."

"I DON'T _CARE _IF I GET HURT!"

"I'm half an hour away from Mommy and Daddy's and I don't know exactly how long this whole process will take. I'll pick you up once I call the police. You'll have to go with me to make a statement to the officers-"

"I WONT DO IT! I DON'T NEED TO! I'M _FINE _OLGA! JUST LISTEN TO ME!"

"Be good to yourself Helga. I'll be there soon." Dial tone.

I breathed heavily, I couldn't speak. In thirty seconds my entire life just shifted. The Boarding House? The Police? _Olga? _Hell no. I threw Arnold's phone across the room, I found out later that I actually broke it when did that, picked up my backpack and jacket and walked out the door.

"Helga." I heard him call.

I didn't answer. I put on my jacket while I was walking down the hall and down the stairs. Not looking back.

"Helga!" he called again.

He came up behind me and grabbed my arm. "Helga wait!" I shrugged him off. I walked out his front door and down the street. Most people would have stayed inside and hung their heads in defeat. Not Arnold.

"Helga wait!"

"Leave me alone!" I spat.

"Helga I did this for you!"

I stopped. I felt my anger rising to the point of utter betrayal. And with betrayal came sadness. "How could you?" I felt a tear role down my cheek. "I trusted you." He ruined everything.

"Because I love you! I would be a bad boyfriend if I just ignored it."

I spun around and yelled back at him feeling the tears coming harder, "No! You're just a bad person for completely disrespecting what I want! Got it _FOOTBALL HEAD?!"_

"HELGA I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!"

"YEAH WELL YOU'RE DOING A SHITTY JOB AT IT!"

I was so mad. I didn't stop. The insults started pouring out of me. I called him so many names. I was doing fine avoiding Bob on my own. I didn't care if I got hurt. But then I said something that I always regretted.

"I was completely stupid to trust you with my shit! I'm not surprised a dope like you couldn't keep a fucking secret! You're always fucking sticking your football head into other people's lives! Why do you try to save everyone anyways hmm!? You can't make up for the fact that you couldn't save your fucking parents! They're gone Arnold! STOP PRETENDING THEY'RE EVER GOING TO COME BACK ITS PATHETIC! YOU'RE PATHETIC!" Immediately I knew I had crossed a line. As the words came out, I instantly wanted to stop. But I couldn't let him know I was sorry. I was too proud…and too stupid.

The look on his face was heart breaking and a little frightening. I've seen that look before. He looked like my dad. I could tell he wanted to hurt me. The rage he felt right now was radiating off of him. That's why when he stepped towards me I flinched and pushed him away. I breathed heavily again. I felt my head spin. I was still so angry at him. He tried to touch me again but I smacked him away again in fear. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but my brain went into survival mode. Every time I cross a line, I pay the consequences.

Most people would have walked away. Most people would have been done with me after making a comment like that. I was done with me after I said that. Not Arnold. He didn't walk away. He didn't leave. He looked right in my eyes when I pushed him away. He tried as hard as he could to stare past my anger.

I felt a drop of my nose at that moment and I looked up to find that the sky had turned gray, but the sun was still peeking through the clouds. It was ominous but...breathtaking. All I could think was, "Oh god. Please don't rain."

Of course it rained. It always does at sad moments like this. It didn't just rain either. It fucking down poured. It must have been a cloud burst. Was this Mother Nature's way of telling me it was okay to be sad? Well I have news for you lady, I already know I'm sad and I don't need god damn rain to enhance it.

Infuriated with the world I crossed my arms and I looked back at Arnold who was slowly getting wetter and wetter as he just stared at me. He didn't look angry anymore. He looked sad, almost lost. I think he was trying to forgive me.

But why?

After what I said?

Who would forgive me for that?

Arnold would. Arnold forgives everyone. He's no super human, I can tell how hard it is for him to forgive, but he always manages to do it.

He tried coming near me again.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I cried and tried to push him again. My body was giving up though. My arms felt weak. I was getting cold and tired. "DON'T FUCKING COME NEAR ME WE'RE DONE!"

He moved in anyways, ignoring my weak punches on his chest. He pulled me close and held me. The rain drenched us and I was uncontrollably hyperventilating. I made one last weak effort to push him away.

Leave me alone.

I don't need you.

"Stop fighting Helga." He said hugging me tighter. "You don't need to fight all the time."

Yes.

I do.

If I don't fight.

I'll feel.

I could feel people staring at us, some of which we knew. But I didn't care. Arnold was right.

I was done fighting. I had been fighting my whole life against anyone who got close. I fought against feeling anything but anger and love. I fought against authority. I fought my friends. My teachers. My sister. My father. Everything.

I was done.

But even though I knew I was done. I _still_ fought it. A part of my mind kept yelling at me to keep going, to keep my wall up.

I was so lost.

I fell to my knees and cried quietly still clutching Arnold. He sat down with me in the middle of the sidewalk. "The world isn't out to get you." He stroked my hair. "You don't need to feel threatened all the time."

I managed to choke out while crying into his chest, "The world _is _out to get me. I just want to be left alone."

"No you don't." he whispered. "You're just scared." He put his forehead to mine. I struggled to look at him. "Aren't you tired of being scared?" he said.

I tried to dry my eyes but the rain kept coming. It was useless. My grip on his jacket was so tight my knuckles were turning white.  
"I didn't mean what I said. I'm so-" He kissed me.

"I love you." He said.

I collapsed back into his arms, sobbing again. I could feel my nose stinging as the rain hit it. It was still healing from the month before. I still looked like a disfigured mutant. But Arnold was still there. Stroking my hair, telling me he loved me, helping me out of a bad situation…he was still there.

"I love you too."

What would I do without him?


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey my lovely readers! I decided to update a day early because I love you all so much.**

**I really wanted to thank you a million times over for the reviews and follows. They really make my day.**

**Now to live up to your expectations.**

**Oh boy. Here we go.**

_**TheRealSlimKaty**_

…

Balance.

It's an important part of human existence. When I was in college, a very long time after this crap happened, I wrote a paper in World History II about Confucius. The whole ying yang thing really stuck out to me. I'll never forget a quote I read while I was researching him, "_Balance_ is the perfect state of still water. Let that be our model. It remains quiet within and is not disturbed on the surface."

I've always hated that quote.

It completely defeats the meaning of what he taught.

You can't have light without dark right? Well you also can't have still water without a monsoon. Being perfectly balanced doesn't mean you should be quiet and calm all the time. It means you should have some wild and crazy along with the gentle and humble. To be a balanced person means to allow all these different sides of you to happen. The ultimate goal of course is to be happy and content and shit, but…that's really unrealistic. If you were happy all the time, you'd be a freak. Like, if you didn't get sad when you were supposed to there'd be something fucking wrong with you.

Maybe I misunderstood what Confucius was trying to say…but he probably should have worded it better damn it.

Balance became really important to me during this particular time in my life.

After Arnold had been holding me in the rain for about an hour, I remember Olga drove up next to us. I thought Brad would have gone with her but surprisingly, he didn't. Without hesitation she jumped out of the car, ripped me away from Arnold and held me.

She whispered, "I'm so sorry."

I rolled my eyes at first. Olga's face made me want to vomit.

God.

Can you hug faster please?

I already hated that she was getting involved in the first place, but then again I was still confused as to whether or not I wanted out of this situation. Do I really want to make a big deal out of everything?

However, my relationship with my sister changed when she pulled away from me.

I saw a light bruise on her cheek.

Oh right…she was going to confront Dad first….

I gritted my teeth, "What happened?"

Olga shook her head, "It's nothing Helga. Are you okay-"

"Shut up," I snapped. "What did he do to you?"

Olga shook her head again and stroked my cheek, "Baby sister it's nothing for you to worry about."

"What the hell do you mean 'It's nothing for me to worry about'? Fucking talk you twit!" Jesus. This was frustrating. Why wouldn't she say anything?

She sighed and looked at me. Her hair got longer. Olga hadn't had long hair since I was a preschooler. Damn it's been a while since I've seen her. "Ooh your poor nose." She said stroking my face.

"Olga," I said slowly. "You need to tell me what the fuck he did to you." Why was I so angry about this? I mean, it's just Olga.

"Let's get in the car first okay? You're going to catch a cold out here."

I looked back at Arnold and he embraced me one more time. "Do you want me to go with you?" he said softly.

I sighed. I really didn't want to deal with this. Can't we just sweep it under the rug?

"I want you to but," I looked back at Olga. "This is a family thing." He nodded and kissed me on the cheek. What no…Why did I say that? Of course I wanted him to go with me! Since when did I put family before Arnold?

"I'll see you tonight?"

Ask him to go with you.

I gave a half smile, "Yeah." He looked worried, but he still smiled. "You can do it."

But I need you there.

I sighed. "We'll see."

After getting in the car Olga gave Arnold a hug. They said some stuff to each other but I couldn't hear what it was. She had her arms crossed and looked like she was about to cry. Arnold put his hands on her shoulders and said some more stuff to her. She nodded, let some tears fall and hugged him again. Normally when other girls hugged Arnold (Arnold is friends with everyone. Hello.) I felt a small pang of jealousy. This was different. Clearly this wasn't as easy for Olga as I thought it was.

While we were driving, she had to wipe her tears with her sleeve constantly. I was all cried out. I felt this…numbness set in for a few minutes. But Olga never answered my question. "What happened with Dad? I deserve to know." I muttered.

"Well," she started, sniffling in between words. "I went in and Daddy was on the couch. Mommy was upstairs I think. He got up and hugged me, 'Olga where have you been? I miss you so much! How's Brad? What are you up too? Miriam get down here,' you know. But I pushed him away and told him that I knew what he did to you."

"I still can't believe Arnold told you."

"He really loves you Helga. Did you know that…after he called me…he came to my house to tell me personally."

"What?!" No fucking way. "Why?"

"Well truthfully and I'm ashamed to say this," She started choking on her words, "I didn't believe him at first."

I rolled my eyes. Of course she didn't. Miss perfect daddy's little princess bitch thing. Ugh.

I sighed. "You know, I don't really want to go through with this whole thing anyways, so you might as well just turn around and-"

"Helga after what just happened between me and Daddy you _have _to go through this now."

I paused. She was probably right. Now that he's hurt Olga…things have changed a little. Wait what? Why? IT'S JUST OLGA!

"Right, just finish what you were saying. Crimeny."

We stopped at a red light. The rain wasn't letting up, "So, I told Daddy all of this and he tried to defend himself. He didn't mean it; it was an accident; you were out of control; he was depressed….But I started yelling at him."

This shocked me. I could never in a million years imagine Olga yelling at _anyone! _Let alone Bob!

"What'd you say to him?"

"I don't remember a lot of it actually." Green light. She chuckled, "It was all a blur. I've never been so angry before! I think the only other time I've been more upset is when Doug left me the day of our wedding. Remember that? You were only nine I think…"

"You have no idea…" I did forget about that for a while. I wondered if she ever figured it out.

"Anyway, we yelled at each other for a while...it was strange…Daddy's never yelled at me before…but the whole time I just thought of you, so I suppose it didn't really affect me too much. Mommy came downstairs eventually trying to calm us both down. And before I could stop myself I told him 'No wonder your company tanked. You can't even handle a 17 year old girl correctly. Did you hit your _employees _instead of firing them?'"

My mouth dropped open. Jesus. I never knew my sister could be so mouthy! I was astounded. I also had a lot more respect for her after that. She wasn't just some two dimensional Barbie Doll after all…she cared about me. I should never have underestimated her.

"That's when he smacked me." Another red light. "Immediately he got on his knees and started apologizing. I just left and called the police."

"Of course he knelt to you. You're his pride and joy." I spat.

She nodded. "I was. I was always a Daddy's girl. But honestly, I've always admired the way you stood up to him. I've told you before I think…Mommy and Daddy always expected me to perform for them, like a wind up doll…I could never say no. Even as a child _you_ were always so spirited. Remember when you lost the spelling bee on purpose?" She laughed. "I could never have done something like that, even if it was to prove a point."

I scoffed, "I was 'spirited' because they ignored me. And besides, look where being 'spirited' has gotten me." I thought about what Arnold said. How I was done fighting. "Fighting hasn't gotten me anywhere except a trip to the police and a busted face."

She shook her head, "That's not true Helga. You turned out pretty amazing _because_ you're a fighter."

I laughed, "Oh yeah? What have I done that's 'pretty amazing.'" She had to be joking.

"I know that you've always been jealous of me…I've heard you talking about me couple times in your room. I know that you think I'm perfect but I have to say…and this is hard for me to admit… I've always been jealous of you too."

"JEALOUS? Of me? What a joke." Green Light. More rain. Will this day ever end?

"No Helga I'm serious. You've always been so naturally intelligent. For me to keep my grades as high as they were I studied all the time. Daddy told me that you're third in the class right? You also have this amazing charisma…political intellect... artistic intellect... Helga, I'm just a grade school teacher. For someone who never studies _and _has a job on the side _and _pays half the rent _and _could easily get into Harvard law, _and_ takes care of drunken mother and an abusive father...I mean geez…you're planning on running for president one day! That sounds pretty amazing to me."

I had never thought of it that way. But part of me wanted to slap myself and say that she was just lying to me to make me closer to her. All of this…was just to make me closer to her. Manipulative little bitch.

But then, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she really does just care about me…besides…what was so wrong with being close to your sister anyway?

But who the hell would talk me up so much like that? Smarts aren't everything. Yeah whatever I'm smart, but I'm probably the biggest bitch in existence. Fighting made me a cold hearted bitch.

I could really use a cigarette.

"What does all of this have to do with me being a fighter?"

"I know you did most of it to spite me and Mommy and Daddy. Don't you think if you weren't a tough bitch you would have given up a long time ago?"

I sat up straight, "Did you just swear?!"

She laughed, "I'm only human Helga."

We didn't say anything for the rest of the drive. I had a better understanding of Olga after that day. I had always caught glimpses of her being a normal human being over the years, but I thought they were just coincidences. A glitch in the programming. Maybe she wasn't wrong. Maybe, being a bitch wasn't all that bad.

Maybe I could still fight…I just didn't have to do it all the time.

Unfortunately…this new found discovery would be quickly forgotten as time went by.

We pulled up to the parking lot outside the station. Olga grabbed her purse. "Are you ready?"

I breathed. My whole life was about to change. Oh god. I can't believe I'm putting my trust in Arnold and Olga. This had better go well.

"Do I have a choice?" I answered. She embraced me again.

"I'm so proud of you Helga." She cried. "Everything's going to be okay."

I pushed her off. "Stop whining and get out of the car." She didn't know it, but I smiled when I said that.

…

I remember seeing dad later that day and even later that month in court when he looked at me and Olga with our broken faces. I could tell it tore him up that he did this to us. But I gotta say, the guy hid it well. Only Olga and I could look at his solemn face and tell that he was devastated. Olga never smiled when he was in the room. It was strange. There was more tension between the two of them than there was between me and him.

My father never hit me out of enjoyment.

I fucking knew that.

He would just reach this awful boiling point and snap.

When his lawyer spoke in court he claimed that this was a family situation that ended in terrible circumstances and that all Bob wanted me to do was come home and work it out as a family.

When Bob spoke he sounded numb. He spoke in hushed tones. He didn't make eye contact with anyone. He didn't crack a frown or a smile. His eyebrows stayed furrowed the whole time. He reminded me a little bit of a robot. I understood the way he spoke though. He knew he fucked up, his pride has been hurt. He didn't want to admit he was wrong. But he had no choice. I would have been the same way. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I hate showing emotion besides anger. But Bob knew that if he got angry, that he would lose. I hated those moments when I realized how similar we were. Would I ever be in this situation if I had children?

I shuddered at the thought. I wanted to hope for the best. But hoping for anything seemed pointless.

Brad was a lawyer (Of course he was a fucking lawyer. Olga would find a god damn lawyer to marry) and he was defending me. He sounded incredibly passionate and persuasive. That I was this lost girl who just wanted to be accepted by my father. But nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I wanted so badly to kick this guy in the shins. Stop making me out to be a victim!

I mean technically I was…that's the whole reason I was here in the first place…but stop!

He talked about Bob's jealousy towards me working and claimed that although Bob was not a terrible father, he was out of control and I shouldn't be exposed to that. He brought up Miriam too, saying that she was neglectful and should not be considered a mother at all for letting this happen.

Miriam ended up defending my father, claiming to not know that anything was happening. This only made her look worse. Mom you idiot. My mother and I never bonded that well. We had our moments in my childhood, but once I reached being a teenager she had given up. She turned to substance abuse…she even had an affair. Dad still doesn't know to this day.

Olga tried her hardest to break through to Miriam. She even had her go into rehab after the trial. I didn't see the point. Miriam wasn't a mom. She was more like a ghost to me. A sad wandering spirit waltzing through my house. She never said anything, she never did anything besides watch tv and drink. It was a mess.

She never made it through rehab.

All three times she went.

She came back more of a shell than she was before.

The whole trial sort of passed in front of me. I didn't feel like I was present in the room. It felt like it was happening to somebody else. It was a blur. This was me being numb again. I've been numb this whole month.

The courts came to the decision that because he wasn't hurting me _at that exact moment_ that they wouldn't arrest him, but social services decided that because I was 17 and turning 18 by the end of next year, I would be legally emancipated from my parents and free to live wherever I wished. Olga cried and Brad cried and it was all happy horseshit for them. I made eye contact with my Dad across the room for the first time in months. I couldn't read him completely, but I'm pretty sure his eyes were saying, 'I'm sorry.' But he scoffed and left the room, holding his head as high as he possibly could.

I wouldn't go to see my parents again for years. Even though they were horrid parents, I missed them every day. I suppose that's what kept me away from them more so than them being horrid. I hated to admit that I missed them. I mean, who misses their abusive parents anyways? That's fucked! But, I knew deep down, that wasn't all they were. They weren't these vessels of sadness and anger and they weren't specifically out to get me. They were human…just like my sister.

That night I packed up everything I owned and moved into a room in the boarding house. Olga and Brad moved in two days later. It wasn't as tough as I thought it was going to be emotionally. I just shut down.

I realized that when I "didn't care" before, I was kidding myself. I cared too much. I cared so much it hurt. Olga and Arnold were right that I fought everything, they were right that I was scared and hurt.

Truthfully I was so sick of it all that my brain just…went on hold.

Arnold was constantly worried about me.

"Helga, everything okay?"

I stared at my homework, jotting down answers. "Yeah." I said. "I'm fine."

Was I fine?

Was I anything?

"Your nose is healing up good." He said kissing me on the cheek. Poor guy, he was trying so hard.  
"You've never looked better." He smiled.

"Thanks." I didn't look at him. I didn't really look at anyone this whole month. Kids at school had heard what happened and started spreading rumors.

But I didn't care.

For once.

I didn't care about anything.

I was tired.

All the time.

I've never slept more in my life than the month before the trial and the two months after.

I could feel Arnold and I slipping.

I knew this but…I didn't care. I didn't care at all.

"Hey, do you want to go to a movie?" he asked one day, walking me home from school.

"Sure." I said, staring straight ahead.

"What do you want to see?"

"I don't care…it's up to you."

He sighed, "How about Evil Twin 5?" This was always funny to me later. He knew I hated the Evil Twin series.

"Sure." I answered.

"Really? Because…if you don't want to go…you don't have to."

"Whatever you want."

"Okay…"

We walked in silence for the next ten minutes. This was our whole relationship these days. I should have been sad about it. But I couldn't bring myself to give a shit. I had been smoking more than ever. I hadn't hung out with Rhonda and Lila for months. The last time I saw them was when we finally went dress shopping for Prom (which was now a week away). I just concentrated on my school work. I never ended up quitting my job, so I just went through that mindlessly too. I had passing thoughts about hurting myself, just to feel _something. _I never did it. But sometimes I wished that I was back with Bob and Miriam. I ended up getting this same reoccurring thought in my head that him hurting me physically and emotionally was what gave me feelings in the first place.

I was confused.

_Still._

Even after all that bullshit. I was _still_ confused.

I could ask why.

But then again.

I didn't care.

"Helga," Arnold said to me as we came up to the theater. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." My automatic answer never failed.

Except this time.

He stopped on the sidewalk, "I don't believe you."

I turned back to him, "We're going to miss the movie."

He shook his head, "I don't care and…I don't think you really care either."

I stopped. I sort of wondered where he was going with this, but I didn't allow my mind to wander. I sat on a bench, "Alright, what's up?"

"I should be asking you that."

"Why?"

You know why. Don't be stupid.

"For the past _three _months you've been…like this."

"Like what?"

"I don't know…weird!"

I shrugged, "Okay."

"See! Like that!" he sat down next to me. "Before the trial if I had called you weird you would have lashed out at me and called me a football head! What's going on with you? You know you can talk to me."

I shrugged, "Nothing."

He put his head in his hands. "You're not even you anymore Helga…you're just this…_shell _of a person. Olga and I have been talking-"

"Of course you have." I muttered.

"What was that?" he gave me a look.

"I bet you have a thing for Olga anyway. It kinda makes sense. I saw the way you talked to her, before she took me to the police station...I know you probably wish I was her."

What? What the hell am I saying? Just every random thought I have?

Yep.

That's what happened.

Just to shut him up.

I didn't even believe me when I said that.

All of my answers sounded robotic. I sounded like my father did at the trial.

Arnold was quiet. The weather was starting to get warmer. I just felt the cool breeze pass us by. I closed my eyes for only a second. I pretended I was somewhere else. Someone else. But I was brought back down to reality…hard…when Arnold said,

"I can't do this."

Of course he can't. Why should he put up with this? After all…I'm a mess.

A tear fell from my eye, but I still didn't feel anything.

"I know." I answered.

"Helga I love you but…not...this you. I've been as patient as I could but, I can't. I just, I can't."

"I know. You're only human."

"If you ever need anything-"

"I'm going home. Have fun at the movies." I stood up, crossed my arms and left as fast as I could.

I didn't cry like I thought I would. I just went on living, if that's what you want to call it. Passing him in the hallways of the boarding house everyday should have been painful.

But they weren't.

They weren't anything.

He was there. So was I.

I just kept going.

I thought I was dealing with it pretty well.

What a joke.

Everyone had the same reaction to us breaking up. They were sad, but they could all see that things weren't the same. Olga started just touching my shoulder now and then and giving me and knowing look. I always responded with a fake smile. The boarders would see me and smile, my friends would see me and smile. I made sure I always smiled back.

Arnold sometimes gave me these longing looks, but after a few days I saw he brought Lila over the house.

I said hi to the both of them and watched them walk up to his room and lock the door.

They didn't come out…not even for dinner. I wasn't surprised. He had always had a thing for her.

In a way I felt bad, but again. I didn't feel anything at all.

I sort of felt like I was floating through some kind of dream. Nothing ever hit me. Nothing seemed real. Maybe this is how my mother felt. Maybe…I should go talk to her and- no.

I was better off now right? I'm different from my mother…

Right?

I was calm now. I wasn't fighting anything now…Arnold wanted to leave and I let him go…

I was peaceful.

I'm not struggling anymore…

This is what peace is like…right?

Right?

…

**One more chapter!**

**I was going to have this be the last chapter but I realized that it was too huge! So I cut in half and here we are!**

**I just thought I'd let you in on a little secret that a lot of what Helga experienced in court with her mother and father was directly based of a situation I went through with a friend. I was a witness at her trial so everything you see here was very difficult for me to write. **

**Depression is also difficult to write I came to find because although I drew from my own experiences here, I had to make sure that they made sense for her character. Although Helga and I are pretty similar I couldn't write down my exact experience and call it hers. I couldn't write this chapter without crying. Feeling nothing means a person has truly given up. People who don't feel anything feel the worst pain of all. It's just shoved so far to the back of their minds that they don't show it.**

**I'm going to be so sad when I'm done writing this. **

**Thank you guys for being so supportive and ignoring my spelling and grammar mistakes!**

**I update every Sunday!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Last Chapter.**

**Get Ready**

…

It was the day of prom. I decided not to go because by now it just seemed pointless. Arnold had moved on, so had I, I guess… I woke up that Friday morning around 3. My sleep cycle was fucking unreal, sometimes I slept for way longer than I was supposed to and sometimes I didn't sleep at all. But, this was the first time I had missed school since Arnold and I ditched.

_Remember that day?_

_When he dragged you away from reality?_

_And he held you and kissed you?_

_Remember that Helga?_

I shoved the thoughts away immediately. No I don't remember and even if I did it doesn't god damn matter. Everything's in the past so it doesn't matter anymore.

Right?

_No dumbass. Doi._

I made my way down the stairs in my sweatpants and t-tank top and passed a few boarders on the way, exchanging hellos. I just wanted fucking breakfast don't talk to me Christ. Breakfast? It's three in the afternoon bitch. Would it be breakfast by this point? Fuck it. I'm making eggs anyways.

My stream of thoughts were interrupted by Arnold and Lila standing in front of me on the staircase. They must have just gotten back from school.

How.

Fucking.

Peachy.

Keen.

Damn, this would be awkward if I gave a fuck. Because I…I don't give a fuck…I think.

Arnold must have thought the stair railing was interesting as hell because his eyes were glued to it.

Lila spoke up awkwardly. "Oh umm. Hello Helga. It's ever so nice to-"

"Fuck off." I said staring at Arnold.

Lila stuttered, "G-gosh Helga I didn't mean to upset you-"

"You didn't." I said lowly. "I just don't feel like having a conversation with you_ Lila." _

"Oh of course Helga. After all as your friend I don't' want to overstep your boundaries." She didn't meet my eyes.

I have never laughed so hard in my life when she said that. Because I was still staring at Arnold I must have looked like a crazy person. I'm not sure what made me laugh so hard. Maybe it was the fact that you haven't called since everything happened? Maybe it's because your skank ass is sleeping with the love of my life?

I was being overdramatic…I know. She _had_ called a few times, but like Arnold she just gave up. I'm not surprised. I mean, _I _gave up on me. Why shouldn't everyone else?

"We're not friends Lila please."

She flinched, but quickly pulled herself back together. "R-right of course…" she answered. "How silly of me."

"Come on Lila lets go." Arnold tried to shove past me.

"What? You can't even look at me?" I got close to his face. This was strange for me. This is what people expected of me, but honestly I wasn't being nearly as hostile as I could have been. There was no anger in my voice, just my actions. I heard Arnold let out an annoyed "Oh my god," under his breath.

"Problem?" I mumbled, still not taking my eyes off him. What was I doing? Was I…angry? No…I don't have emotions. Was I just fucking with him? Would I pat him on the back in a second and tell him I was kidding?

I wasn't really thinking, but something ignited when he wasn't looking at me.

"Helga get out of the way."

"Why won't you look at me asshole? Too ashamed?"

"Helga shut up."

"No."

"Lila let's go," He said grabbing her hand and attempting to push by me again.

I've never been sure why this played out the way it did, but once I saw the two of them lock hands, that's when it began to hit me. It wasn't exactly a smack in the face, it was more like the prod of a needle. It was a small wound and I could feel it bleeding…slowly…but it still bled.

I narrowed my eyes and looked at Lila. "Slut." I muttered.

Lila bit her lip trying to hold back tears. Her brows furrowed.

Apparently I didn't care.

Arnold on the other hand cared a lot and didn't hold back at all.

"Don't bring Lila into this Helga. She didn't do anything wrong." He said sharply. "Just keep to yourself."

I laughed in his face, "Of course she didn't! Because it's _Lila. _Who never does _anything _wrong. She's just _ever so_ fucking amazing at god damn everything! She's ever so _nice, _and pretty, and popular, and just ever so clever. Unlike HELGA, who's only redeeming quality's is that she isn't fucking afraid to call Lila out on her skanky bullshit and betrayal of her best friend!" They ended up shoving past me and walking furiously up the stairs. As they continued down the hallway I made my way back up to the top of the stairs and continued to make an ass out of myself.

"Aww look how god damn cute the happy couple is! Isn't that fucking adorable? It's not like he just broke up with her best friend a week ago or anything!"

Helga.

For the love of god shut up.

I had reached a whole new level of not caring. Before I was being quiet and reserved. I didn't care to share my thoughts with anyone. But when I saw him grab her hand I decided I no longer gave a fuck who knew my thoughts. I wasn't even that angry at Lila. I guess my feelings were more towards Hair Boy.

This was a bad decision on my part.

Lila went to look back at me and say something but Arnold just dragged her away. Like a motherfucker I started slow clapping. I know. It was bad. "_Arnold and Lila_ Sunset Arms! On their way to probably do illegal acts of teenage sex!"

"Helga shut up!" Arnold finally turned and snapped at me. He came storming down the hall. "What the heck is the matter with you?"

"Just like old times huh football head?" I said smiling and gritting my teeth. "OH only this time you actually get the girl you want. But I guess it's not _that_ different considering I'm still watching the two of you from a distance. Isn't life a bitch?"

"What the hell are you even talking about? Lila and I aren't sleeping together!"

I laughed again. God Arnold was so hilarious sometimes. "PLEASE. Don't insult me. It's not like everyone in the damn house couldn't hear your bed squeaking dumbass. I'm not even surprised. It kinda makes sense now. You couldn't get into my pants so of course you _had_ to get into hers!" I could see his face changing colors he was so mad. It reminded me of Bob again. But this time, I kind of wanted him to hit me. Maybe if he did…then reality would.

"Guess I wasn't woman enough for you! Makes a whole lot of sense buddy!" I punched him lightly in the arm. "Go pork her pal! Fuck her blue!"

He yelled, "_I _tried to sleep with you! In case you don't remember the past few months, let me paint a picture for you,"

"OH this oughta be good." I leaned on the stairwell.

"You checked out! After I went through all that trouble to help you just left me!"

"That's a god damn lie if I ever heard one. I hung out with you every day I LIVE HERE REMEMBER?"

"But you weren't there! You never were! You didn't care about me at all even though I tried so fucking hard to understand it. And NOW that I'm with someone else NOW you decide to care? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Well what the hell do you want from me! To kiss your ass every day for saving me from something I didn't need to be saved from?! I never asked for your help remember? You just one day decided to shove your nose into my shit and-"

He got in my face, "Really?! You're still on this? Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have helped you at all. Because at least when you lived with Bob you were a person! Maybe you should go back!"

"Maybe I will!"

Lila pushed past the both of us at that moment, tears streaming down her face. Arnold grabbed her arm, concerned, "Lila where-"

"Arnold please don't touch me. I'm going over to Rhonda's." she whimpered. "I'll see you at prom tonight." She descended the stairs. I chuckled again.

"OH of course you two are going to fucking prom together! DOI! You're fucking her, so of course you're going to some stupid overly expensive teenage event together. I should have known. FUCKIN WHOOPS!"

Lila turned to me with her big sad eyes, "I hope you feel better Helga." And without another word she left.

I know now that she's probably the kindest person I've ever met next to Arnold . At the time I just laughed at her again. I was laughing at everything. Everything just seemed so stupid at that moment. Everything had escalated so quickly. She didn't deserve to be treated like that. I could hear boarders shutting and locking their doors. But I knew they were listening. Nosey Bastards.

"Look at what you did now!" Arnold shouted at me. "She never did anything wrong to you! What's with you? You have never IN your life judged someone for having sex!"

"OH so you _have _had sex?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to!"

"What I do now is none of your damn business."

"Right but everything I ever did was ALL your business. What if I told you I'm trying to help you? Maybe I should call Phil up right now and let him know his grandson is a fucking nympho hmm? How do you think you'd react then hmm?"

"I don't even know you anymore!"

"OH PLEASE!" I shouted. I stepped away from the stair case. "This is how it's always been football head. YOU making my life miserable because all you think about is yourself and in return I make YOUR life miserable. It's been that way for as long as I can remember and I guess we'll die doing this too!"

"I can't even fucking talk to you! We sound like we're in a damn soap opera!"

"TALK TO ME? You wouldn't even look at me!"

"That's because every time I tried to look at you, you wouldn't look back! You always just look right fucking past me didn't you Helga. I'm not the selfish one here, YOU are. You can't even appreciate when the people who care about you the most get you out of trouble!"

"You have no idea what you're even saying!"

"OH I DON'T? You're even dumber than I thought! Of course you know what I'm saying! You just won't admit it to yourself! I thought this would make everything better! But you need to stop feeling so fucking angry towards me! You need to stop feeling-"

"I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE!"I screeched.

Boom. It hit. It all hit right then. I let the tears go. I let it all go again. I haven' t been this way for months and it's even less pleasant than I remember.

He just stared at me for a while. He wasn't sympathetic this time. This time he just looked confused.

I struggled to speak, my lip quivered too much. I spoke lowly again and cried my eyes out, "How would you feel. If e-everything you've ever known…just fucking changed in a matter of w-weeks. I know what you did you did out of the kindness of your god damn pathetic heart but…I can't even fathom th-that I have nothing to be angry at anymore. How could you just expect me to bounce back from...all of that? I've been ignored and kicked around my entire life and all of the sudden when ALL the attention is on me…you expect me to be okay with it? What the hell kind of sense does that make?" I was sobbing now.

God. I hated this feeling. I kept this feeling away for a reason. Now he's going to get all sympathetic isn't he?

Right on cue he tried to hug me. I shoved him away and ran to my room.

I was at peace damnit! I thought I was done with people seeing me like this. What mostly went through my mind was that Arnold didn't actually care about me anymore…he was with Lila. Arnold just cares about people in general. He just has this need to reach out to people. I thought I was special or something. Pfft. Me? Special? What a joke.

You just _had _to yell at them Helga. You just _had _to fly off the handle.

I flopped on my bed, "Who needs him anyway." God. Enough with the emotional crying damnit! You're better than this!

What am I going to do? I grabbed my Walkman from under my bed and stuck my head phones on. I pressed play. It was my Nirvana CD playing " In Bloom" I let it take me away as I hugged my ratty pillow and sobbed some more.

I fell asleep…again.

Damnit.

…

"Helga?"

My arm was being shaken.

I groaned and rolled over. My arm was shaken again, "Helga get up it's time for dinner."

"Piss off Olga I'm not going."

She sighed and sat on the bed next to me. "Everyone's already eaten. It's seven o'clock."

I groaned again. "Arnold won't be there…" she said. "He left for Prom already." I sat straight up and began stretching. I rolled off my mattress and hit the floor, stretching more like a crazy person. I didn't give a fuck. Although, when my headphone chords rapped around my neck it became a problem. Olga helped me get untangled.

"Helga, are you sure you don't want to go to Prom? You already bought tickets."

I scoffed, "Olga if I went now it would be like a bad eighties movie."

She chuckled, "Maybe you're right." We sat in silence on the floor for a few minutes. Right then I realized how much I looked like her. Both of us had our hair in pony tails, sweat pants and tank tops…she's not too different from me…same eyes, same nose, same eyelashes same cheek bones…I never noticed.

"Did you hear us?" I asked sheepishly.

She shook her head, "I stayed at school until five today. I was grading papers."

I nodded. "Everyone else heard though."

She smiled, "Don't mind them. Just go get some dinner." She kissed my forehead and got up to go to her room. I made a face and wiped the kiss off my head. I didn't like it when I was five and I still don't like it now.

Like a robot once more, I hauled my ass out of bed and floated downstairs to the kitchen. In the dingy little fridge there was some left over mac and cheese. Even though it had Ernie's name on it I threw the cover away, stuffed it in a bowl and put it in the microwave.

While I sat in the rusty kitchen chair waiting for my food to finish, Phil walked in and sat across the table from me.

"Morning." He said jokingly. I grumbled, "Hey Phil."

After sitting in silence for a minute I got my mac and cheese and sat back down. Phil gave me a quizzical look. "Wha?" I asked with a mouthful of food.

"That's all you're eating?"

I raised an eyebrow. He got up and hobbled over to the stove. I swallowed, "Phil you don't have to do that."

He looked over his shoulder, "Do what?"

"Make me more food."

"What? Who said I was making you food? Maybe I wanted some." He filled a pot with water and set it on the burner. I laughed. I've always liked Phil. He was…in a phrase, sassy as fuck.

"So I hear you and the shortman got in a little tiff earlier." I groaned. I didn't want to talk about this but he kept going, "And now that he's seeing that farm girl you're all jealous and sad and you have no one to go to prom with-"

"Are you done?" I snapped. "I don't need you to remind me that I'm the biggest idiot on the planet." I shoveled more food in my mouth.

"Well I wouldn't say the _biggest _idiot. You could have flown off the handle and called your farm friend some nasty things."

Swallow. "I did." I sad plainly.

He shrugged, "Oh well there you go."

I put my fork down and pulled my knees to my chest, "Are you going somewhere with this?"

"OH no no! Not at all." He walked over to the opposite side of the kitchen. I ate my food angrily. Fuck Phil. Bringing up these sad awkward facts. I know I'm a fuck up. Thanks for letting me know AGAIN.

He stood in front of a framed family photo of Phil, Gertie and Arnold. He was just staring at it. What the hell? Crazy old man.

"You know," he said after a few more minutes. "Tragedy…it's really a terrible thing." I stopped eating.

"When Pookie passed, well…I hadn't felt that much heart break since we realized Miles and Stella were never coming back. It was the darndest thing, raising Arnold was like having some sort of crazy deju vu. He's so much like Miles…and he'll never…_truly _know it." He touched the picture. "Pookie didn't stop crying for days. I know that everyone thought she was a crazy old coot, don't get me wrong she was, but she had an awful big heart. She went away for a little bit when she realized that her son wasn't comin back, or his lovely wife, and that we'd have to take care of our grandson all on our own."

He turned back to me and crossed his arms. He was smiling. "We were about ready to retire and all of the sudden we have a two month old little boy thrust into our lives. But she came back eventually. One day when Arnold was crying he crawled over to her and grabbed her skirt. She looked down at him and smiled. She picked him up and played with him and aww it was the cutest damn thing. I hadn't seen her frown since."

He walked over to the stove, the water was now boiling. He put in some spaghetti and turned the heat down a little. I stood up and took a pinch of salt and added it to the pot. He looked at me. I smiled a little bit, but I didn't look back at him, "It adds more flavor." I said.

I won't lie to you, I was a little confused, why was he telling me all of this?

He smiled back, "You're a lot like Gertie. Stubborn, driven, the blonde hair, she even had the one eyebrow when we were little."

I frowned. "I tweeze!"

He cackled at me, "Same spit fire energy." He sat down at the table again. I stirred the spaghetti for him, which he seems to have forgotten about. He continued his story, "My favorite memory of her was actually when she was in the hospice. Poor shortman wouldn't leave her side, and one of the last things she said to him was, 'Arnold, I'm so glad you came into my life. You'll do amazing things…just like Miles.'" He looked like he was about to tear up. But it was Phil, he never cried or at least, I've never seen him cry.

"Were those the last words she said?" I asked.

"No actually the last thing she said was 'Never eat radishes.'"

"…what?"

I tried not to laugh I really did, but when Phil saw my face he started chuckling, which caused me to laugh…my first genuine laugh in the past few months and it was about Arnold's dead Grandmother. I'm going to hell.

When we calmed down I added a little more salt to the spaghetti and then drained it. I found some oregano in the cabinet and sprinkled it on top. I put the plate in front of Phil. He didn't eat it at first, instead he spoke up again.

"She really was somethin." He said staring at his plate. "Even though those first couple months without Miles and Stella were real tough on her, she pulled through."

"How did she do it?" I asked. Seriously, was this lady a superhuman? I couldn't even imagine.

He shrugged and picked up his fork, "I suppose she just figured out what was important to her." He twirled his pasta. "When she saw that that little boy really needed her, I think she understood what she needed to do."

I stared at my empty bowl. "But that's not how it is for everyone I mean, most people don't come out of that." He ate some spaghetti. "I don't think that's true." Chew. Chew. "Everyone you will ever meet will have some sort of tragic event in their life. The kinds of tragedy vary from person to person but, everyone gets depressed at one point or another. You don't see the _entire _world moping around." Swallow. "It's okay to mope though. People expect it when bad things happen, but at some point, with time and for some a slap in the face, you need to sit down and realize what's really important to you. Your goals, dreams, family… the things that matter. Once you have that, it's not too difficult to bounce back. Tragedy usually is a good thing. It makes people realize what they need the most. If nothin bad happened to you you'd be boring and plain and you wouldn't learn anythin." Chew. Chew. "Say, this pasta is pretty good. Probably won't sit in my stomach well but it's real scrumptious."

God. He was so wise.

I had no clue.

Why was he being so preachy with me?

Is he trying to make me figure out what I need?

Maybe I need a slap in the face…

_You need Arnold._

_You need your friends._

_You need yourself back._

He makes a lot of sense. What am I doing?

I…I get it now.

I stood up without warning, hugged Phil and ran off. I could tell he was smiling at me as I ran up the stairs. Here I go. I'm going to turn this around. Finally! Oh god. This WAS going to be like a bad eighties movie. I was going to run into my room, get my ticket for prom and get all dressed up and pretty and steal him back.

I opened my closet door and-

What-

What the fuck is this dress?

I unzipped the bag it came in and out poured this baby pink chiffon ball gown.

What.

The.

Fuck?

What am I Glinda the god damn good witch?

The Sugar Plum Bitch?

The Strawberry Short Pussy?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING HELGA! YOU STOPPED WEARING PINK WHEN YOU WERE ELEVEN. UGH AND THESE RUFFLES JESUS!

I remember going to pick out a dress…I guess I was so numb I didn't even care about how I dressed.

Wait…what else haven't I noticed? I ran to my mirror immediately. The minute I looked at my reflection I shrieked.

"HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE TWEEZED?!" My damn eyebrow was growing back in. "JESUS CHRIST!"

And Arnold STILL stuck around me? Wow, he really does care.

While I attacked my brows with my sisters tweezers, all I could think about was Arnold.

I missed him. I was so stupid for saying those things to him. How could I let Big Bob and the Boarding house make me forget everything?

There were a few prodding thoughts that made me question whether I should go through with the possible rejection. It'd be easier to not do anything. It'd be easier to just keep being a ghost.

No it wouldn't.

It would make things worse. If I don't go now…I'll never be myself again.

Maybe…maybe this wasn't about Arnold at all.

Maybe…I needed to do something crazy like this to get myself out of this rut.

Well.

Sounds like a good fucking idea to me.

Olga came in just as I was finishing. She opened her mouth to speak but I interrupted, "Don't have time! Need to get to prom! Need to find Arnold! Hate my dress! Gonna deal with it! URGH!" She looked like she was about to cry and tried to hug me. "GET THE FUCK OFF ME I DON'T HAVE TIME!"

"Do you want to borrow one of my dresses?" she asked trying not to choke up. I sighed, "Yeah well I guess I'll try and shit LETS GO! UGH I can't even look at that thing."

I've never looked at dresses so quickly in my life. Olga had about seven. Four from her proms because of course O_lga _got asked to go all four years in a row and the other three from Piano recitals.

I picked a slinky glittery silver dress it was very old Hollywood because the rest were 80's garbage.

I slipped it over my head, went to zip it up and-

Fuck.

Of fucking course.

It didn't fit.

Olga is a thousand times thinner than me. "WHAT IS THIS? A DOUBLE ZERO?!" I shrieked.

"N-no. It's a size one but-"

"URGH!" I yelled and threw the dress off. No other boarder in the house would have nice dresses, all my friends were at prom…god damnit. I sighed. "I don't have time umm…fuck it. I'll go like this." Sweatpants, tank top, pony tail and no make up?

Well...it could be worse.

"Are you sure you want to-"

"YES damnit! I want to go before it's too late." I mean, it might already be. But I should at least try.

…

Olga dropped me off in front of the ballroom on the other side of the city. It was real fancy compared to what English High's Proms did….the school Gym. I gasped a little at HOW god damn fancy it was…and I still looked like white trash. She gave me another fucking kiss on the forehead and left. I could hear the pounding music from outside. I could see a mass of nicely dressed idiots through the glass windows. I held my ticket in my hand. I inhaled deeply.

You can do this girl.

You got this.

C-mon. MOVE YOUR DAMN FEET TOWARD THE DOOR!

I had this entire vision that I was going to storm in the gym, grab Arnold by the back of the head and kiss him in front of everyone.

Yes I was ready. I was- ARNOLD!?

I saw him through the window. He was dancing with Lila, of course, Rhonda, Gerald, Stinky- the entire group. They were laughing, having fun. I watched Stinko fling a piece of Chicken at Nadine at the next table. I laughed. Still got it Stink face.

Part of me wondered if it would be creepy to just knock on the window and…

And what…

Wait…

What the hell was I gonna say to him…

I didn't plan out…anything really…what-

What was I thinking?

This isn't the movies. I can't just barge in there and kiss him, what's wrong with me! He'd freak out. He'd ask questions!

I saw him laugh with Lila again.

Crap. He's happy.

He's a lot happier without me.

Fuck…

I sighed.

Nothing went like I planned, with the dress, and the confidence and UGH.

"I can't do this can I?" What were you thinking Helga? You're not the heroine you wanted to grow up to be when you were little. You're not successful. You're a sad pathetic mess with Daddy issues and a smoking problem.

He's got someone so much better than you…

I threw my ticket in the mud.

If you really cared about him, you'd leave him be. Let him have a good night. Why cause any drama?

"I do care about him."

I groaned. I was so close. So close to having my fairy tale moment.

But fairy tales aren't real. Things don't happen like they do on the big screen.

In real life, you talk yourself out of doing crazy shit.

In real life…a few wise words from an old man won't solve your all insecurities.

I walked away. I figured that maybe on that walk through the city I could figure my life out. This city I grew up in, this city that destroyed me and inspired me. Maybe if I cleared my head by seeing the tall buildings and the bright lights I'd find clarity.

The night breeze was cool and refreshing. I didn't have my music with me this time to drown out my thoughts…I guess I have to actually think about what the hell I'm doing.

I had a lot of revelations on that walk, but it wasn't anything I didn't know already. Phil's speech kept playing through my head, my sister becoming more human every day played over in my head. My father's hurt expression in that court room. Phoebe telling me that I was holding her back. My breakup with Wolfgang. With Torvald. Eugene's funeral. My friends. My mother saying, "One more drink." Dr. Bliss assuming my anger was fueled by more than petty thoughts. Lila telling me to feel better. Arnold thinking I don't care about him…Arnold telling me he loved me. Arnold kissing me. My face when I first _really_ looked in the mirror. Olga's face…when she first _really _looked at me two months ago.

I replayed everything that ever mattered. I re-realized all my lessons. I silently wished it was easy enough to learn things the first time around. But things are always more complicated aren't they. Sigh. Well fuck me.

I wasn't even sure where I was going after twenty minutes. I went through back alley ways, up fire escapes, I flipped a nickel to a bum, I quickened my pace shortly afterwards in case he tried to kill me, when I sat down on a bench I got a coin flipped to me.

Really guy?

Do I look homeless to you?

I flipped him off.

While I tried to search for stars in the sky in this god forsaken city, I felt my lip. There was a scar there now from when Bob pushed me into the table. When I didn't come home on time to make dinner. When I told him to go fuck himself and make his own food. First he slapped me. I slapped him back. One thing led to another and he shoved me into a table corner. I didn't pay too much attention to my new scar, because if I did I would break down. I've been saying that for these last two months I look disfigured.

The rest of your face has already healed up.

Hasn't it Helga.

It's just that scar you can't stand.

It'll be there forever.

I am breaking down.

This whole thing…this whole…whatever the fuck I'm experiencing, and whatever the fuck I experienced with Arnold…was a breakdown.

This couldn't be rock bottom could it?

"I dunno," I said to myself. "When a guy thinks you're a hobo…that's probably not a good sign."

"No…I don't think it is."

I whipped my head around. "A-arnold?" ARNOLD HERE NOW WHAT WHY?!  
" I..I mean WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE FOOTBALL HEAD!? Can't you see I'm trying to loathe in my own self pity?! Sheesh!"

I turned away and crossed my arms. He was still in his tux, but there was a stain on it. Must have gotten splashed by a driver. He looked so handsome. His big eyes looking so intensely at me. But really…what was he doing here? How did he find me?

He sat down next to me. He put his hand on my leg. "You okay?" he asked.

"What are you doing?" I shoved his hands away. "Don't you have a girlfriend to get back to?"

"Lila's not my girlfriend."

Pfft.

As if.

"Helga…she's not."

For once my head wasn't swimming with emotion or thoughts. Arnold just sat next to me and stared at me.

I finally decided to look back at him, "I'm serious, what do you want?"

"You walked a long way from home."

I raised my eyebrow, "I didn't walk to prom Olga drove me. Doi….did you see me?"

He nodded. "You still were really hard to keep up with."

"Then why didn't you yell for me to catch up?…Stalker."

"I did."

"Yeah bullshit!"

"No seriously I did! You just didn't seem to hear me."

We stared at each other for a few minutes. What's happening? Are we-

"I'm serious you're really far away from home," He said grabbing my hands.

I rolled my eyes. "I know_ mom. _You don't need to lecture me."

He put his hand on my cheek and rubbed his thumb over my lip…over my scar.

"It's a long walk…" he said again. "It'll take forever but, I can help get you there…and walk with you…if you'll let me."

Maybe…maybe you don't need a fairy tale ending, to feel happy, or to feel closure.

Or love.

Maybe just you need someone to help trudge through your struggles with you.

Fuck if I know anything.

I stared at him. Smiled, and playfully shoved him away.

All I could say was, "Shut up."

…

**HURRAH IT'S OVER.**

**Well not hurrah more like boohoo.**

**I'm glad you enjoyed! Thanks for sticking with me!**

**I hope the ending wasn't too abrupt, but I can't stand endings that just play out everything for you. I'd like you to come up with what you think happens to the two of them, how things play out. It's more fun that way.**

**Again, thank you so much. You're reviews and favorites have made my confident in writing again.**

**Aufidersen.**

_**TheRealSlimKaty**_


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